It's Over

Well... it looks like this is it for our little angel. I got my progesterone levels and they weren't good. I went to the Dr.'s office and she sat down with me around noon today. She had me go for one last blood test but she said based on the numbers and her experience there is almost no hope for him/her to make it. Not even progesterone supplements will help. She did prescribe it to me if it made me feel better though. It doesn't. I thought it would.

I am going to meet with her on Monday when the tests come back for our plan of action. She said it can take 2-4 weeks for the baby to release itself. And based on the age of the baby it happened the day before Thanksgiving. I just want my breasts to stop hurting and to stop craving food and to stop feeling pregnant. So we'll see if the baby starts coming out over the weekend. I sure hope so. I feel awful saying this but I just want it out. It's gone and will never be here fully formed. I want to feel normal again.

Hopefully it'll happen naturally soon because if it doesn't then I'll opt for the D&C. I can't believe this. It doesn't seem real.

The Waiting Game

Well it's a waiting game. I can't stand this. So I went to the Dr. on Tuesday and met w/ the nurse for an hour to go over my entire medical history. I have to say it was a lot easier to not know my biological medical history. I could just say "I don't know I'm adopted". Now I've got to think about everything. Let's see, well so and so has HBP, wait, so does so and so. She finally stopped me after I named 3 people. It's apparent I have been doomed for the HBP. Then I finally thought about the spina bifida. OMG, what if it is on Brad's side and not Maggie's. Could this baby end up with it?

Then I go to the Dr. on Wednesday (yesterday). Well they only found the sac on the u/s. It only showed me measuring 5w2d. So... it's one of 3 things. Either the u/s is off and it just isn't showing up or I ovulated late and Lee's swimmers stuck around a long time or I'm going to miscarry/already have. So I had a blood test done to check my hCG levels and progesterone. I went to the lab today and my hCG is 1869. It should be quite higher, but it isn't cut and dried. My progesterone test didn't come back today. I'm so frustrated. I'll more than likely have to go back for another blood test tomorrow. My hCG is suppose to double every 48-72 hours.

I'm just in complete shock. I don't want to lose this baby. Yes, I'll admit the beginning was oh my shocking and I freaked out but it's so different now. Then I think well is it because I was so upset in the beginning or was it the xray of Jackson's that I didn't cover up for or was it the steroid shot for the strep throat. Was it this or that. What's worse is if it is a miscarriage then they'll have to do a D&C since it is not coming out on it's on. I really don't want that.

I love being a mother. Nothing is sweeter than hearing your kids call out your name and wanting to hug you or pick them up. I cannot imagine life without my children. They are the joy of my life. I can't imagine not waking up next to Jackson and picking up Mackenzie from school and watching Jackson fish off the side of my bed. My life wouldn't be complete with out them. I guess I can't imagine a mom not raising her kids but at the same time I guess some women aren't made for motherhood.

I want this baby. I want him or her more than anything in this world. I see the excitment of Jackson and Mackenzie. I see how excited Lee is now. My views changed. I don't want this to be over. I want to fight for this. Alas I am powerless. I cannot fight, atleast where it would change the outcome. The future has already been decided but I am in the dark for now. I just sit and wait. It's not easy but I wait.

Lee is off on Saturday and I will put up all of the Christmas decorations. The kids are super excited about that. I am too. I'll drink my spiced tea and sing Christmas carols. I'll enjoy every moment of it. I'll put aside my worries and emerse myself in Mackenzie and Jackson. I'll savor every moment with them. I make them hot chocolate (okay, chocolate milk if the weather doesn't cool down). We'll have fun.

I'm Old and Tired

I feel so old. I'm also exhausted. I think this might be the last year that I can do the Black Friday camping out all night thing. More about that in a minute.

We left Wednesday for Birmingham. We made pretty good time there. Perhaps it's because I was driving. Avonelle and Wilson were already there when we got there. The kids were so excited to see my parents. We almost immediately ate dinner, which was spaghetti because I've been craving Italian food. Lee claimed he didn't feel good so he went upstairs to read and take a nap, and this is at 7pm. Dad and I left and went to Wally World to get the paper goods for Thanksgiving and stuff for the Avocado dip. My cousin Tara really wanted Lee to make the Guacamole dip that they make at his restaurant. When we got back from the grocery store mom wanted him to make some. She loved it.

We got up early Thursday and drove to the big town of Rockmart, GA. This year it was all a whirlwind while we were there. I wish I could've stayed a little bit longer, but I have to admit I was ready to get home. It was good as always seeing everyone. I hope they'll all come back down to Destin this year. I missed seeing the Ron Williams side of cousins because they came down when I was leaving to go catch my plane to see Bobbi.

My cousin Brent is coming to GA down from Ohio in February. Hopefully I'll be able to go up there and see him. I just don't know how great I'll be feeling seeing as I'll be 5 months pregnant. It would be great to go though. He came down last year and I can't remember why but I didn't go.

When we got back to Birmingham I dropped Lee off at Best Buy in Hoover by the Galleria. Yes, it was only 4:30ish. He was 23rd in line. I'm not kidding you. It was nuts. I went to my parents house and dropped off Jackson (Mackenzie rode with my dad to and from GA). I stopped at WalMart and got 2 blankets and something else but I can't remember. I also had to borrow my dad's coat b/c I forgot mine.

I finally got to Best Buy around 6:20. Man it was already cold. There were probably 50 people in line by now. Insane I know. Lee left to go look at heaters. There were the insane people that had their tents, generators with TV/video games set up. As much as I make fun I want a tent and generator. The guy in front of us is getting his master's at Alabama. He is very nice and was there for a TV. The two guys behind us were there last year and remember "Big Bird". We made fun of her endlessly. Too bad Big Bird didn't show up this year. I would have loved to pick a fight with her again.

In front of Joseph (the graduate student) was a nice lady who was trying to make sure her husband came for the first time. He finally arrived and was very nice too. By 5am he admitted to us that he had a really good time and would like to do it again next year. It was a lot of fun. Freezing to death and getting to know others. My sister came around 9pm. That was a lot of fun too. Oh, Pizza Hut was across the street so Lee picked us up a pizza. Oh my it was yummy!

He didn't find a heater b/c they were so expensive or rather he found one but didn't buy one. He went back and bought a butane heater from the camping section. It wasn't enormous but it was nice. I did burn a hold in my blanket twice on it though. Joseph and I made a run in the middle of the night for Krispy Kreme donuts. We were hungry and had to pee. The gas station across the parking lot closed for an hour to stock and of course it's when I was about to pee in my pants. And besides that I had to get in a warm car.

We got everything we wanted. We bought 3 Sony Vaio laptops, 4 Toshiba laptops, 4 eMachine computers, 8 Canon all in one printers, 2 Kodak Easy Share cameras with digital picture frames, 4 digital picture frames, 2 Tom Tom GPS systems, 100pk DVD-R, 4 movies for the kids and a few other things. It was great. Oh and then we got a new 42" LCD flat screen HDTV. How we made it home with everything I'll never know.

I just can't imagine going next year when I still have a new baby and will be tired and leaving my mom with 3 kids. I think she'd die. We made it home yesterday and I am so glad to be home. I only took an hour nap when we got home at 7am Friday morning. Lee slept until 4pm or so. Yeah, he sucks. He slept the whole way up there and back, to and from GA and sleeps in, etc. and is so inconsiderate when it comes to me. Oh well, that won't ever change. Apparently his sleep is more important than mine.

We're having Jackson's 3rd birthday party on the 15th. I can't wait. I can't believe that he is turning 3. Time flies. It's going to be a shark themed party. Well I gotta run. Gotta figure out the kids presents for Christmas. My spoiled little kids.

Elizabeth Reynolds Ussery or Petyon Charles Ussery

Wow, typing those names out is really fun. I can't believe that I'm pregnant again. It is the most unexpected and unplanned thing. I think it was more shocking than finding out I was pregnant with Mackenzie. I have to admit in the beginning I was shocked. I cried for two days or so. It was just a lot to take it. Lee had finally made an appointment to get fixed and then the next day I find out I'm pregnant.

I was so content and our family seemed perfect. We had a girl and a boy and they are such wonderful kids. They were amazingly good babies, slept well and ate well, hardly cried. I mean who really wants to join the crap shoot and end up with a fussy colicy baby? Not me, but it's okay. I'm finally thrilled. I can't wait for him or her to join us. I really have no preference if it's a boy or a girl. I've been blessed with one of each so far.

Jackson announced the other night that he wants a sister. I just think it's because Mackenzie is so good to him. I don't know how he'd handle it if we had another boy seeing as he's such a major mama's boy. I've almost resigned myself to the fact that it is a girl. The main reason being that Jana's nephew was born around the same time as I'm due but this year. They have tons of really nice clothes that he never wore or hardly wore. Because they have offered all of the clothes it means I'll have a girl so I can't use them.

I'm due around July 18th. I go to the Dr. the Tuesday after T-giving to meet with the nurse about my history, etc. Then the next day I go in for an u/s and meet with the Dr. I think it's so great. Wow, we're going to be able to see the little peanut on the screen. I think this is so great. A little shocking but it's so perfect.

I've been craving Italian food like crazy. I should've know I was pregnant before I did. And my chest is sore and I feel bloated. Ugh, but it's okay. I'm going to take it all in. Because I can assure you that this is 1000000000000% positively the last one. I'm not kidding. And no mom, I'm not going to eventually have 5 kids.