Surgery

I went to the surgeon Monday and he told me I had to have my gall bladder removed. Nothing shocking there. So he scheduled it for Wednesday morning. I get the great priviledge of getting up super early and trying to beat traffic to make it to the hospital by 8am. My sister is an angel and is dropping me off at the hospital on her way to work. My mom is going to stay with Jackson and Avery and a nurse will call her when I get to recovery so she can head down and pick me up.

I have to admit I'm a little sad knowing that I'll be there all by myself but it's really a waste of time having someone sit in a waiting room for 2 hours. In all honesty the times I needed someone to be with me the most at the hospital was during my D&C when I had the miscarriage and when I was hospitalized off and on during my pregnancy. None of those times was anyone with me. I know Lee had to work and help with the kids but it was really sad not having anyone keep me company at the hospital or coming by to check on me. I was in there for 4 days and not one visit. The only time anyone came was about an hour before my c-section. I just wish it would've been different. I wish a lot had been different.

Okay enough about my whining. The kids brought home 2 caterpillars from my dad's office and we put them in a big plastic jar. We have to continue getting leaves from his office since those are the ones that they eat and we don't have those trees around here. We were slacking and the poor pillars had pooped and peed all in the jar. I couldn't believe those little things could make that much of a mess. So we went and got some more leaves today with my mom. She starts cleaning it out and pulls out a branch with one of the pillars on it. She slowly removed the rest of the leaves. The other pillar is gone. Jackson is so sad because the one missing is his.

We can't figure out how the thing just disappeared. Yes, it was really gross in the jar but surely he didn't just evaporate. Then mom goes through the leaves again and he had finally made his cocoon and somehow the leaf folded over. Jackson was so excited to know his wasn't dead and had made the cocoon. Yes, so excited that he squealed his ear piercing squeal over and over again. So hopefully we'll have a butterfly soon or perhaps it'll only be a moth. Who knows.

Well I better try and get some sleep. I am going to have a long day tomorrow. I will enjoy the pain meds they give me after it's over. I want to feel no pain. I think the real pain will hit when I'm home and there are 3 kids all over the place. If only I could snap my fingers and have peace and quiet. Oh well, wishful thinking. Say a prayer for me!

Unexpected Surprises - Not Always Good

Man things have been busy lately. I started my job this past Monday. It has gone good so far. I really enjoy working again, it keeps me on my toes. Lenda is really nice and I look forward to building the business. I think it will be a big success for both of us.

Avery had her cardiologist appointment this past Thursday. We went to Children's Hospital for the visit. I only have God to thank for the visit. The size of Avery's hole has not changed BUT it has not caused a strain on her heart whatsoever. She has not had exhibited any signs of it causing problems with her formula intake, breathing, growth, etc. We do not have to go back to see the cardiologist for at least 2 years! Praise God for this news. He said she is wonderful and healthy. All of my fears have been erased.

This weekend was a LONG weekend. The kids and I went to Stadium Fest at Samford. It was a free event put together by Scott Dawson Ministries and plugged by the Rick & Bubba show. Over 160 churches worked to help sponsor the event. It had a children's area on the football field that had Bible Man, Veggie Tales, Hermie and Wormie (I think that's their names) and some other characters. The gospel was presented through out the event. They also had inflatable jumpy things and games.

Later in the afternoon they had BMX guys doing their stunts. It was really neat to see it. The BMX guys were all Christians and the gospel was once again presented after it. Later in the afternoon and evening they had concerts on another part of the field by Chrisitan artists. Rick Burgess also spoke and gave a testimony. His son Bronner died last year and it was a true test of his faith in God. I wish so badly we could have stayed to hear it.

We left around 4 because it was SOOOO hot outside. Not to mention the fact that they ran out of water and the kids were crying because they were so hot. It was a nightmare to leave the event because of the amount of people. A boy even callaposed in front of me while we were trying to leave. It had to of been heat related. It was awful trying to get them to call EMT. Other than that though it was great.

Rick Burgess (he's the Rick from Rick & Bubba) spoke before church let out today and said that they had over 25,000 attend which is more than twice the amount they thought would attend. Over 300 made professions of faith. It was a huge success. They will be planning another one next year. Jackson who listens to their show in the car has been wanting to meet Rick & Bubb. What he means is Rick but he calls Rick both names which I am sure is pretty common. When mom told him that Rick goes to our church he was so excited. So today he finally got to meet him. He was thrilled. Rick was so sweet to him.

Then this afternoon was Elizabeth's bridal tea. Before I left with the girls (my dad kept Jackson) I took my BP because I had not been feeling well. My dad stood over me the entire time because he wanted to see the results. It was 177/126. Not good. Dad wanted to take me to the Dr. right then and there but I presuaded him to let me go after the shower. So we went to the shower and had a good time. Jessica came and it was so good to see her. I love that girl! Her sister's triplets were just released from the hospital this week so she is in town to help her out with them.

So I went to the ER after the shower. I missed my sister's concert tonight at her church but it couldn't be helped. So I go to St. Vincent's and my BP had calmed down slightly. I told the Dr. about this excrutiating pain I had had twice this week. The second night I woke up with it I ended up puking my guts out. I thought I was having a heart attack or something was going wrong with my heart. Nope, I was wrong, thankfully. They did an ultra sound tonight and discovered I have gall stones. Yup, a lot of them. I have to have my gall bladder removed ASAP per the Dr. So tomorrow I am calling the surgeon to set up a meeting with him and then to schedule the surgery.

Thankfully the surgery is easy and out patient. Jana had her's taken out back when she lived in Destin. I remember the pain her gall bladder caused her and how much better she felt after it was removed. I also remember her stomach being all bloated from the air they pumped in her stomach during the surgery. I'm sure I'll be really full of gas afterwards. So it looks like I'll be having surgery sometime soon. Woo hoo!

Other than that excitment everything has been going pretty well. My mom is very, well how shall I say it. Intense. Yes, that's the word. The wedding is making her go nuts. I'm sure she'll calm down once it's over. It's not easy though when you're a perfectionist and having to plan something so big and leave a lot of the details in the hands of others. So we're learning to give her space. Lots of it. I'm sure we could do better but I'm doing the best I can.

Hopefully I will be moving out soon. I am so ready to find a place of my own. So please pray that I find one soon. I'm exhausted from church, the tea and the ER so I'm going off to sleepy land. Night!

One Tired Mom

I am not going to lie. I am exhausted. These kids really know how to wear me out. We had a great day yesterday at the Mt. Laurel Spring Festival. My parents took Mackenzie and Jackson to the Fall Festival there while I was in the hospital last year. They had a blast then and yesterday. It was from 11-4 and of course they wanted to be there right when it started. I had to explain to them there was no way I was going to be there for 5 hours. Boy was I wrong.

We got there around noon and walked the little streets. Mackenzie looked around for kids from her school and we ran into a few. Then they were starving. Note to self: feed the kids before we leave for any events. We ate at this tiny pizza place. It was nice to be able to sit for an hour. The mom of one of Mackenzie's classmates who also lives in the neighborhood came over and introduced herself to me. She also has a 4 year old boy. I thought it was so nice for her to come over to our table. I haven't met very many of the moms. To be honest some of them ladies are not the nicest. This area of town and especially across the street from my parents house is a very ritzy or pricey area. Some of the ladies there are down right snobby, heck even some in my parents neighborhood come off that way.

The ladies son, Collin, has been so nice to Mackenzie. They sit next to each other in class and he invites her to play with him in the afternoons. He even stuck up for her the other day when one of the boys, Connor, was saying really ugly things to her. Oh yeah, and one day I will meet up with him and it will not be pretty. No one hurts my kids and gets away with it.

We looked at all the booths and my favorite was the one by the committee for the Mt. Laurel Library. It has not been built yet and they are raising money. They were selling books that people had donated to them for $1. Boy did I love that! I ended up buying 9 books and 1 for Mackenzie. I already finished one of them too. It is a hardback of John Patterson that just came out in November. Yes, I'd say I got a good deal.

At the book booth Mackenzie ran into a girl from her school. I met her mom and the girls went over to get their finger nails painted. Then it was off to jumping in the jumping thingy and Jackson ran off with them. Oh and he wanted his nails painted too. Poor boy cried when I told him no. My parents arrived and we went strolling around. It was fun. We saw people from Montgomery who now live here. The weather was perfect. It was a nice outing for me and the kids.

Mackenzie then ran into another friend. The parents were taking them to the park a few streets over and invited Mackenzie. After talking to the parents for a bit I let her go. Jackson was devestated that he couldn't go with the big girls. It broke his heart. So I ended up taking him to the park at 4. Yes, I spent 4 hours after the thing. Then we didn't leave the park until after 5. So the kids did get 5 hours out of me. They had a blast and I met some parents and Mackenzie saw her friends so it was worth it for me.


On Wednesday I went to an event called Moms and More at Briarwood Presbyterian with an old friend from Jr. and Sr high school. It was so thoughtful and nice of her to invite us. Jackson was excited to be going and making friends in the nursery. Avery, well, she didn't outwardly show any excitment but I know she was. It was such a great event. The speaker was the wife of the preacher who started the church. She was amazing. She is a gifted speaker and has been in the shoes of all of us moms. She was inspiring. She's got to be in her 70's but she looked so beautiful in her suit.

Jessica was a great hostess for inviting me. She introduced me to so many people. I even met a lady who teaches art classes in the summer and I think it's something that Mackenzie would really enjoy. After it was over Jessica and I and our kids went to eat at Chappy's. I have not eaten at a Chappy's since I moved from Montgomery. It was a great time for us to catch up and just spend some adult time together. She was always such a sweet girl growing up but she just blows me away now. She has such a deep faith in God and truly one of the most compassionate, caring and sweet people you will ever meet. I had a great time with her and her girls.

I was suppose to start my new job on Thursday but instead I start it tomorrow at 1. It will be a time for me to go in and meet with the lady and go over everything. I am looking forward to it very much. I am excited to get my creative juices flowing again and get my hand back into real estate. I hope this turns out to be a good partnership.

Oh and Monday I took Avery to the Dr. First of all the office girls are the most incompetent people I've ever met. On the other hand the nurse and Dr. were great. Avery is up to 24 inches and 12lbs 14oz. She is right on track for everything and is finally on the charts growth wise. She was so happy the entire time until she got her 4 shots. Jackson wasn't happy with her getting shots either. She ended up getting a fever from them and was sick for 2 days. It was so pitiful. It was the first time in 5 months she was really sick. She's much better now and her perky self.

So I'm off to shower. She just dozed off and I better jump on the chance to be clean. Yes, those opportunities are far and few between when you have kids.

Pathetic Sounding

Okay, so I realize that I sounded really pathetic last night when I wrote my post. I guess though it's okay to vocalize when you're lonely and just going through hard times. Reading it though makes me just feel pathetic. I have to get over it. The one thing I don't want it pity from others.

I got a very nice email from an old friend of mine today. I haven't seen her since we graduated from high school but she's such a great person and she lives in B'ham. We had chatted back and forth on Facebook back when I was pregnant looking to move here. She read my post today and reached out to me. It was so sweet of her. I didn't expect anyone who even lives here to read this or even have an adult outing (okay, so the kids will be going too but there is a nursery for them) but if it gets me out to reconnect with old friends and make new friends then I'm glad I posted what I did.

We are going next Wednesday to a mom's social (?) at her church. I know it's for mom's but I don't know if there is a speaker or what. To be honest I didn't ask too many details but that's okay. It'd be great to see her after all these years. I've seen pictures of her and she still looks as great as she did in high school. She also has two adorable little girls. I also felt much better about her too when I found out she was going to CVS so she could use her $10 ECB that were expiring today. A girl after my own heart. I remember having $130 in one ECB to use at one time. It was INSANE. Thanks to those days back in October '06 I haven't had to purchase any tampons or panty liners since then. Yes, we all know I'm nuts. I am well aware.

So today Jackson and I went and looked at 4 houses to potentially rent. I really liked 1 of the 1st two. It was built last year and the people moved back to their home country. It's got hardwood floors and a 2 car garage and is in a very nice neighborhood. It's about 8-10 mins from my parents house. The other 2 houses we saw and that I liked are about 15 mins away from them. They are in a really nice huge subdivision. The houses are both brand new and because of the economy the builder is renting them out. I think I like the slightly smaller house because it has all the bedrooms on one floor and it has a small dining room that I can use as an office. The neighborhood just seems so far out. I know it's only about two miles from the Wal-Mart but still it just feels far out.

I know I don't have to make a decision right away but it would be nice to find something. I love my parents very much but we desperately need our own space. I am also pretty certain I misspelled desperately but I'm not going to spell check it tonight. I always seem to spell it wrong. Oh well. Tonight is not the night to learn how to spell it correctly. Poor spelling is what happens when you are not taught phonics in kindergarten.

Jackson loved looking at the houses. He has gone around B'ham with me and mom so many times and we have to explain to him we can't go into the houses until we have an appointment. He was thrilled to know that we had appointments today. He thought it was a lot of fun. I have to admit I enjoyed it too however it would've been nicer of all of the houses weren't freezing cold and if I didn't have to lug Avery around in her carrier.

Oh and what is up with this cold weather? It's ridiculously cold. I am really tempted to pack up and go back to Florida if this weather keeps it up. I don't like cold weather at all. Ahhhh! I've got the heater on right now but of course I have a small fan on too. These rooms do not have ceiling fans and it drives me crazy. So I have a small fan that packs a big punch going on right now. It's not on us directly and to be honest I'd probably have it off tonight but I like the background noise. It helps keep Avery asleep.

She has her first Dr. appointment in Alabama on Monday. We are seeing a pediatrician at St Vincents. She will be getting her 4 month shots oh about 3 weeks late but that's okay. We'll also be getting a referral to a pediatric cardiologist here in B'ham. She needs to have a new EKG and ultrasound run on her heart. I don't think that it's closing on its own but that's without anything to back it up. I just didn't see an improvement on her other u/s and when I was reading through her Dr. notes when I got her medical records for the move it actual increased from being in my belly to 2 months. I just pray that surgery is not necessary.

So I'm going to try and drift off to sleep now. I have had a really hard time sleeping lately. I think I might be a tad depressed and that's what is causing it. I have a Dr. appt for myself on May 7th which I will probably change b/c that is way too long to have to wait to get into a Dr. I need my meds checked, refills and I want a full work up on my blood work, etc. I want to make sure that my kidneys are doing okay. I also want to make sure that my heart is okay. I had an u/s done on it during my pregnancy and my Dr. said there were some minor issues that I didn't need to worry about then but after the baby and to be honest I never asked her what they were. I should have but I didn't. So I'm sure I'll get another one. I just want to make sure I'm healthy. I can't go dying on my kids now.

So goodnight. Sleep tight! Oh and I cannot wait until American Idol results show tomorrow night. My move loves American Idol (yeah, I was shocked too) and we have a standing date for AI each week. It's a lot of fun and i look forward to it each week.

Adjusting

I have not posted in a while because I have spent the last month adjusting. The kids and I are still living with my parents. Mackenzie started school and enjoys it. I don't love it as much as Butler but it's only because I don't have the same relationships with those who work there as I did with those at Butler.

I landed a job working with a realtor here in Birmingham. Her office is very close to my parents house and in B'ham that's a very good thing. I start on April 16th. Most of the work I will be able to do from home. I figure I will spend maybe 10 hours a week in the office once I get things up and running. I am very excited about the opportunity that I have been given.

I researched and found a great Mother's Day Out and Pre-K program for Avery and Jackson. It is 4 days a week and begins August 31st. I have to say it's inexpensive at only $338 a month. It will allow me to work and go into the office. They will attend there for 6 weeks this summer starting on June 1st. Until then mom will help me with the kids. The church is within 3 miles of the office and maybe 6 miles from my parents. I am actively looking for a rental home in this area.

I went to my very first major consignment sale this past week. Oh my gosh. It was amazing. It's called Kids Market and Mom. A friend of mine from Montgomery who now lives in Pelham told me about it last year. This thing is HUGE. They rent an old grocery store building and every inch of that place is packed with items. The shelves are gone from the store but the freezers are still there. Even the stand up freezers had items in them. It was so well organized.

Avery racked up at the sale. She has been very active. She hates sitting idle and is ready to go at all time. She loves music too. I got her this keyboard that you tie to her baby bed for $6 when it sales for $27 at Toys R Us. She LOVES it. I can put her in her crib and she just kicks it to pieces. I also got her a play mat that has an arch with a puppy dog and two other hang down thingies. She loves to pull on them and make the music play. She gets all big eyed and just starts kicking with excitment. I got a few other things for her that she loves. She finally has things to play with now.

It has been an interestings adventure living at home again. Especially with Elizabeth living here now. I've really enjoyed spending time with my mom and having our American Idol tv nights. We've had our mother daughter struggles but it's overall been great. When I've felt really depressed she's done or said little things to make things better. I am not going to sit here and say that everything has been peachy. It hasn't. My life is in utter shambles. I'm surviving on what money Lee gives me right now. My marriage has been put on hold and it is very possible that it's fate has already been sealed.

My birthday was this past Saturday and I didn't even want to celebrate it. Besides turning 29 and feeling like I'm ancient it just didn't feel like there is anything to celebrate. I feel like a complete failure. I know that I am not the one who caused all of this to happen (and there is so much more than what I've even mentioned on here, I mean SO much more). I just look at my life and looking back I feel as if I should have made better decision. I wish I had done things differently. Although if I did I wouldn't have the 3 most precious things in my life. My kids.

I am lonely. All I see are my parents. My dad is gone Tuesday through Thursdays and Elizabeth doesn't get home until after 9 most nights. I wish I had more adult interaction. It is hard with the kids too. We are not in our own home with our own routine. We need some stability. I don't have a car any more so I'm dependent on my parents cars. My life has literally fallen apart at the seams. I feel as if I'm drowning and I can't get to the top to catch my breath.

I know where I need to turn to. God. I know that it is God who can help me through this. It's so hard. I went to church for the first time since moving here. The preacher was preaching straight to me. The sermon was on how to deal with anxiety. It was also something that Lee needed to hear. I am having such a hard time just giving it all to Him. I have prayed before during my marital struggles and other time and I feel since I haven't been faithful in the Lord and followed through that it's all just wasted breath. That I don't have a right to pray. That I have to show that I will follow through in my commitment to him before praying.

I know that it's all not true that he wants me to turn to him but it's so hard. It's hard because I know that once I do my marriage will not be saved. It probably shouldn't be any way. I do love Lee but I have said time and time again I want him to truly believe in God and put his faith in him. That I want him to be a spiritual leader. I wanted to be able to turn to Lee for that. The harsh reality is that he will never be a spiritual leader. And if he's not then that's not what we need.

So I'll go back to my own internal turmoil. I'll probably continue to be lonely too. I know quite a few people in B'ham but I haven't picked up the phone or sent them an email seeing if they wanted to get together. I dont' know why. One in particular, Mandy, I've thought about often. She lives in Pelham and is the one who told me about the consignment sale. She has a little boy who is not quite 1. I haven't seen her in years and years but she has emailed me before the move. I don't know why I don't just hit her up. I guess part of it is I don't want to have to explain my situation to people. I'm embarrassed and feel like a failure. So I guess I will continue to be lonely. That's okay though.