Road Trips & ER Visits

For those of you who have followed this blog you know that things have not been particularly easy for me lately. A hundred things go wrong for every one good thing. Okay, I really think the odds might be worse by now but I digress. So I finished one full week at work. I have to say I really loved it. I loved the fast pace and the challenges. It was also so nice to have the other employees (not the other 20 some odd temps) talk about how I know my stuff and go to their manager asking her to let me do what they're doing because I can do it better than the others. It felt good. I really hope in time that I can be hired on full time. I know that in all honesty if they do hire someone full time from the temp group that it should be me if they base it on experience. I fit in well with those there and it's a good group of girls.

So yesterday I had plans to meet Maria, my old neighbor, halfway in Greenville. Mackenzie was going down so she could be there for their birthday party today and is staying until next weekend. We agreed to meet at noon at the Cracker Barrel. First of all I was exhausted yesterday morning. I am always ready to fall out on Fridays when I've been working. It's like you go go go all week long and then crash. On top of that I didn't eat dinner and I guess that effected me somewhat. I'm thisclose to going to sleep when the power goes out. The winds were 50-70mph and knocked it out. The kids freak out and my mom lit candles down stairs. A little later when it still wasn't on she brought these tea light looking candles w/ batteries up for us. The kids fell asleep on the floor in my room and Avery and I passed out soon afterwards. I think this was around 9.

I woke up around 1 or 2 and saw that the power was back on. Avery was moving around the bed fussing and she felt really hot. So I got up to go to the bathroom and on the way back to the bed I got out the themometer and tylenol. Yup, she had a temp of 102.6. I gave her tylenol and tried to feed her. Well she wouldn't eat. Now when I picked her up from daycare Friday the girl told me she had been fussing and had eaten at 11 but had refused bottles and food ever since then. She didn't know what was wrong with her because she's usually so happy. So I had this in the back of my mind when she wouldn't eat during the night.

Avery finally went back to sleep and my wonderful son Jackson woke up at 5:48 and excitedly announced that "the power's back on! the power's back on!". He went downstairs to announce to my mom it was back on and apprently he was walking around downstairs for a while. I was in such a heavy deep sleep, the kind where you can't really move your arms, face, an eye wouldn't even open. I told him to be quiet and play in the bonus room. I remember threatening him several times but either he didn't hear me, didn't care, or I was so dead asleep I just drooled the words instead of saying them. Avery and I finally got up around 6:30.

She wasn't fussy or anything and the kids and I got ready to leave. Around 9:15 I took her temp and it was in the 101's. I gave her some more tylenol and tried feeding her. I mean surely after not eating for 12 hours she'd be starving. Ummmmm... negative. The crazy thing is she was happy. Now she kept pulling the bottle to her mouth but wouldn't drink it. She'd chew on the nipple and that was it. So we load up the car and head to Greenville. Wow, we picked the wrong time to go. First of all it was monsooning on us and then on the interstate it seemed everyone decided to travel that morning and at some points we were crawling at 30mph. It was ridiculous. I also had 3 kids in the car who all talked non-stop and trust me I wanted to book it there.

So we're about 15 mins away from Greenville when Maria calls me to tell me she's just leaving. Ummm... what? She had gotten a 2 hour late start anyway but when she left she thought her mom gave her the wrong directions so she turned back around. So I gave her directions and then the kids and I had to kill time from 12 until 2:15. Okay, so I'm past the point of exhaustion, have 3 kids and I'm shakey from not eating for 24 hours. We go into Wally world and get formula and snacks. We sit in the car for a few hours and they finally arrive.

It was worth the headache and wait. Both the kids were so excited to see Stella and Emily and Stella and Emily were so excited to see us. Jackson was just as excited as Mackenzie was. Maria couldn't believe how much Avery had grown and Emily just wanted to hold her. I missed them so much. They were great neighbors and friends. So we had a long lunch at Cracker Barrel and caught up and just had a good time. We finally get out of there at 4pm and we head back home.

So at this point Avery still has not eaten. She has only had 2 wet diapers so I'm slightly concerned about her. I call the Dr. office and eventually the nurse calls me back. I explain it all to her about tell her about her not eating at the daycare either. She said protocol says go to the ER but she wants to check with the Dr. on call. We get a call back as we're getting in B'ham and we're told to go to the Children's Hospital ER. Oh what joyous fun! So around 6 we get there and I have to say I'm so glad they have free valet parking for the ER.

They check her temp rectally to get an accurate reading and it's 101.3 and she had had tylenol only 2 hours prior. They give her some motrin on top of it. We go back to a room and wait. Oh and we wait. And we wait some more. Then guess what happens? She finally decides to drink her bottle. Now I am conflicted about this development. I'm glad she did on one hand because she needed to but at the same time I wish she hadn't of because then the Dr. might think I'm nuts. I notice after she drank her bottle that she had ulcer looking places on her tongue. Yes, the same tongue she refused to let me see earlier in the day.

Finally a nurse comes in and then he leaves after apologizing for the wait. A resident comes in and takes a look at her. The verdict. Hand and mouth disease. There is a really fancy name for it but hand and mouth it is. It's a virus she got, from daycare (don't get me started), and it causes fevers and the ulcers in her mouth. Once she gets it she won't get it again but they told me it's going to get worse before it gets better. That is why she wouldn't eat because it hurt so much. I was so upset because she got this the first week of daycare. The Dr. told me that she tells parents that either the kids are going to get sick when they first start daycare or kindergarten and I can't prevent it in it's entirety.

She wasn't dehydrated but it happens so quickly that I have to keep an eye on it. It's contagious and will last for a week or so so no daycare. So they tell me I'll be discharged. We wait and wait some more. Finally we go in the hallway to wait for someone to discharge us. I finally ask a guy about it and he tells me that the attending has to sign off on it and may want to just look her over. We go back to our room and play the waiting game some more. The attending came in and looked her over. She was super nice and talked to me some more about it. So we finally got our papers to go home!

So by now it's 9:30 and Jackson, Avery and I are so ready to go home. We finally get home around 10:30 after getting some dinner and getting some motrin and tylenol. Avery finally ate another bottle around 11. She woke up in the night upset but wouldn't eat. It's 8:30 now and she still hasn't had another bottle but I guess we'll just have to wait until she's ready and starving. Last night she ended up sucking down 10 ounces because she was so hungry.

So I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I've been up yet again by 6 due to Avery. I've got work tomorrow and still haven't figured out if my mom is going to help me with her or if I have to miss work. Mom and Dad are going to Dothan for a reception for Ben and Elizabeth and won't really be able to ask her. Jana volunteered to watch her but we thought my parents were spending the night in Dothan and I don't think she feels comfortable watching her in the house when my mom is around. I can understand. It's awkward. So I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I just know I better figure it out soon. Real soon.

So this is my adventure for the week. I'm waiting for another disaster to happen. I'm waiting, just waiting. I know it's going to come.

Changes

This week has been full of changes. I started working again this past Monday. I am working as a contract employee at Wells Fargo in their mortgage department. I have mixed emotions about the entire working thing. I really thought that I'd be spending my time at home with the kids and that they wouldn't have to go to daycare again but things changed and here I am a working woman again.

The first two days at work I did not have a computer. Well, I had one but my passwords, etc. had not come in yet. It was hard finding things to do but I learned about their system and slowly but surely found things to do. This morning my passwords were in and it was great! I stayed busy all day long and the day flew by. I'm pretty much helping the processors get all of the items that they are missing and sent it back to underwriting for the final approval. I have to be honest that I'm a little too well versed in the mortgage industry for this job but I'm just hoping that it will lead to more responsiblities.

Jackson and Avery started daycare on Monday at La Petite in Inverness. It broke my heart to have to take them but I believe that they are in good hands. Jackson took a liking to his teacher, Miss Lindsey, and she has been a godsend for him (and me too!). He's enjoyed the past three days and hopefully he will continue to do well. Avery has yet to complain but it may be a while before she starts voicing her complaints.

Mackenzie started the summer camp at the YMCA on Tuesday. She has really enjoyed it so far. Each week they go to Camp Hargis, the movies, a field trip, and the park on alternating days. Camp Hargis is the same YMCA camp my mom attended when she was a girl. Mackenzie missed it on Monday but is looking forward to canoeing there and all of the other fun things. On Tuesday she went to the Golden Flake plant to see how they make potato chips. She said it was a lot of fun and they had to wear hair nets. Today they went to the movies and saw Kung Fu Panda. She's made a new friend there and they seem to get along very well.

Mackenzie got some exciting news this week. Our really good friends from Florida, Maria and her two girls Stella and Emily, have a birthday party this Sunday. The girls were dying for her to come and Maria said she'd meet us halfway and get Mackenzie. Well it has been decided that Mackenzie will stay there from this Saturday until next Saturday. She is thrilled beyond words. I told Maria she is a brave girl for taking Mackenzie on for a whole week but she seemed excited. Mackenzie did always seem to keep the peace between the two sisters and make them clean up after themselves. I'm just wondering why she never did it at our house.

This week I've learned to hate traffic. It takes me 35 minutes to get to Jackson and Avery's daycare. On the weekend or during the day it takes about 8 minutes. I've been at the YMCA around 5:55 each day. It's cutting it close, very close. I'm utterly exhausted and will be until I either strike it rich and don't have to work anymore or when the kids finish school. I'm thinking I'm going to stay exhausted for the next 18 years or so.

Oh I did get some good news. When I was at DHR on Friday dealing with my lovely case worker that I have courtesy of my wonderful husband who felt the need to turn my life upside down and the childrens I got some good news. She said she could expedite the daycare assistance for me and it'd take about 2 weeks to start. She said in the interim she would fax a letter to the daycares and they would go ahead and just charge me the difference and the assistance would be retroactive. I was so happy I started crying. I just couldn't believe I finally got a break somehow. So instead of the $351.70 per week for the two youngest I only pay $146.50 and I pay $12 a week for Mackenzie. So that is one thing working in my favor. It still is painful to pay for daycare each week but I feel better knowing not all my money is going to daycare.

The kids, Jana and I went to visit Lee on Sunday during visitation. It was from 3-5 and it was certainly interesting. Jana and I enjoyed seeing all the different people there and trying to figure out what they are in for. I had a hard time in the beginning. I really wanted to just bolt for the door because I hated sitting there and listening to him. I'm so glad that Lee has found meaning and help throughout all of this and in rehab but it's hard on me to listen to it all. The kids and I are the ones that endured all of the heartache, pain, verbal, mental and pyhsical abuse. Jana did do a good job of talking to him and so I didn't seem like a total witch.

He was still out of it somewhat and still couldn't hear a thing any of us said and we would tell him something and he would forget it and a moment later I'd say it again and he was clueless that anything was said earlier. It was very frustrating. I also don't think I can handle hearing one more time that he was told by a counselor there that "it's not your fault, it's a disease". I agree I guess to a very small small degree but I guess I'm not compassionate because I look at it as he should have never taken the first drink. That by taking the first drink it opened up the doors for becoming an alcoholic. I can't handle any of this because while he's got this high from rehab (no pun intended) I'm the one dealing the repercussions of his actions.

He has no intention of calling his work to explain anything to them at all. I doubt he'd keep his job but he could at least call and check in. He told me he wants me to deal with them. I can't clean up his messes any more. His sister told him that he could come live with her after rehab but she only said that so he would check himself in. I had to break it to him that when he gets out he can't go stay with her. He had it in his mind that is where he would be going. He's been very upset by her lying to him, which I can see both sides. I mentioned him going to his Aunt's house and he won't hear anything of it. He's talked the past 2 days of a half way house. Who knows what he will do but I do know that he doesn't have the family support that I think one needs to pull through this. Both of his parents have passed and I am pretty certain that Macie is just emotionally drained by him that she doesn't have it in her to deal with all of this.

So that pretty much leaves me to clean up his messes and be his rock. I just can't do it. I'm getting up every day at 5:45 and not getting home until after 6. Dinner isn't ready until almost 7 if we're lucky. I'm to the point past exhausted and it is taking everything in me to type this post. I just don't have the energy either. So I don't know where he will end up. I'm torn up inside about this but I can't worry myself to death about it. I've offered to call his aunt and see if he could spend some time there but he told me not to. I wonder if part of the reason is because he's ashamed of what he told her about me. In his drunkeness he would email people these incoherent and crazy emails full of lies. One of them in particular was to his aunt and in it he told her that I was mentally unstable and that I had been abusing him for a long time now and it was time for him to get out. Ha ha ha. Yeah, okay. He was the one who caused Avery to be injured and be life flighted to Pensacola. He's the one who has caused DHR to entered into MY life and me have to prove to them that I'm not going to hurt them too. He hasn't had to deal with them at all.

Whew. I'm pissed. I'm mad at him and feel so much contempt for him. He has made it where every time Mackenzie sees him her stomach starts hurting. Every single time. Jackson likes to tell people about "when my dad was in jail...". Avery thank goodness won't ever remember that horrible night but will still suffer. My children are going to grow up without a strong leader and father in their lives yet they are better off than him being in their lives. He has failed all of us. Nothing he can say will ever take away the pain he has caused us. I don't care if it is alcohol, prescription drugs, street drugs, etc. there is no excuse for his actions.

So there it is folks. My story. It's a sad and painful one. One day the kids and I will come out on top but it's going to be a long and slow road ahead of us.

To Put it Plainly... Life Just Sucks

Seriously, just when I thought the chaos in my life couldn't get any worse or any more chaotic but I was oh so wrong. Dead wrong. My life is like a bad nightmare that I try to wakeup from but I wakeup every morning and everything is still the same. Now I am sure people have it a lot worse than me but sometimes I wonder how much more I can take of it all.

The week of the wedding I was really wishing I had not turned down the Wells Fargo job a few months back. I don't know why I turned it down except for the problem of daycare which to be honest I hadn't looked in to too much at the time. The next morning after wishing I had taken the job I got a phone call from another recruiting agency for them asking me if I would be interested in a job with Wells Fargo. I told them yes and the process began again. I interviewed the Thursday before the wedding over the phone with the manager and on Friday they offered me the job. Now I am sitting waiting on my background check to come back. I know it will be okay because they ran one before when I was offered the job but they have to do it again because it's a different recruiting agency. So I'm waiting and should know something by today.

So I look in to daycare. Holy cow! It is way more expensive than I thought. For Jackson and Avery it's $1525 a month!!!! That's absolutely ridiculous. After taxes I would be paying out more in daycare than bringing home. I have to find my own house so I have been looking like crazy. Just when Jana and I decided to try living together and we found the perfect house for us (it had a full basement apartment with a kitchenette) everything goes crashing around me.

Sunday after church I was suppose to take the deposit over to the owners of the house. Well I can say that did not happen. My phone began rining around 5:30am and it was Lee. I muted the ring and did not answer it. He called again around 6:30 and I knew something had to be wrong. It was more wrong than I ever imagined. He was wasted. Beyond wasted and wanting help and to go to rehab. He had gotten ahold of his sister, Macie, before he did me. He was wanting help and incoherent all at the same time. It was so sad.

I will spare everyone the really sad details of the entire adventure of me going to pick him up, helping him clean his hotel room (and trust me I'm sparing you from vomiting over you computer keys because it was awful) and getting him to rehab. Did I want to do all of this for him. Yes and no. You see he really doesn't have anyone left in his life. Both of his parents are gone and his sister has her own life and it's easier for her without him. So it was either I take care of it or just let him waste away. So I did it. This is it for me. The end of the road.

I cannot continue to every Sunday be taking him to the ER for illness, picking him up from the mental ward where he detoxed and was given anti-depressents that he so badly needed. I cannot handle anymore talking to him and knowing something isn't right. I know he needs me but I am emotionally and physically drained from all of this. I don't want anyone to ever question me again about why I don't want alcohol in my house. Why I don't like being around people drinking. I have been questioned about this before and I couldn't explain why but I just didn't. I was told it was because I didn't grow up around alcohol and I was intolerant. Well I have a good reason. My husband is an alcoholic. It was singlehandedly destroyed not only his life but mine and sadly our kids.

I am having a hard time dealing with the emotions of all of this. I am so pissed off at him. I feel sorry for him. I am done with him. I can't handle having to worry about him taking another drink again. I sit back and realized that it's a disease and an illness yet I still think that it's still his fault because he should have never had the first drink. This is the reason I've said I don't like drinking because you never know when you will become an alcoholic. I've also said I didn't think that drinking was wrong but if done in moderation. I hate alcohol and what it has done to my family.

On Sunday when we arrived at Bradford in Warrior, AL it was a very nice and serene facility. It was in the country and in the middle of the woods and was hilly. It reminded me of Shocco Springs, a camp we use to go to for choir camp when I was a kid. The lady I had spoken to earlier in the day was so nice. She met with us in the conference room. They had a nurse come in and take his BP and make sure he was stable enough to be there. They did a breathalyzer on him. It was around noon and he blew a .27 and he hadn't had a drink in over 12 hours. When I got to his hotel room I found an almost empty bottle of vodka that he had drank the night before.

I have to say I was partially relieved that he was that drunk. I had no idea how drunk he was. How much of it was an act, laziness or him being drunk. It still doesn't excuse him. I was suppose to get his car keys so I could get his clothes out and bring them back up to him but I forgot to get them before I left. So yesterday knowning he had been in the same clothes since Sunday I went to Wal-Mart and bought him new boxers, shirts, a pair of shorts, socks and tolietries. Avery and I took them up there to him yesterday along with some paperwork from Cracker Barrel.

Yes, I called his EAP program at work and asked them what I should do since he was there and incapable to make phones calls and decisions about work on Sunday. They sent me to benefits and I got the ball rolling for his medical leave and short term disability. I took it to him yesterday with his clothes. He seemed more clear headed than he had in months, probably years. It's hard for me to feel any emotion towards him though. I still feel disappointment and disdain towards him. He takes full responsibility but somehow that's not enough.

It is also hard because alcoholism isn't something to get over. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. I am going to spend the rest of my life wondering if he's drinking again. Wondering if when he gets visitation if he's driving around drunk with them. It's sad. My kids are innocent in all of this and are suffering from it.

So because of all this and the uncertainty of his job and the money he was giving me I could not put the deposit down on the "perfect" house. I cannot see how I can afford to make it. The only way I was going to be able to was if Jana and I split a place. Now it's even worse. My parents who were, I'm sure, relieved that we were moving out now have to deal with us a little longer. The kids who were so excited to have their own place again will now have to "suffer" through living here (they so love the neighborhood pool). It's not fair. I didn't drink. I am not the alcoholic but sadly we all have to pay.