Durn Blogspot

Last night when I posted I wanted to put photos up. It just wouldn't do it. I have no idea why. I put Jackson's picture up with no problems. Humph.

Now I just tried it and it worked, but now as soon as I add the rest of the pictures I'm sure it won't take. I'm crossing my fingers. Here are pictures of the sunset last night. So beautiful.






And now of the dreadful cat incident.

Dead Birds and Sunsets

Saturday we had one exciting event. I was on the computer w/ Mackenzie and we were sending IM's to Elizabeth. Tux was meowing at the door and I asked Mackenzie to let him in. She did. We were sitting on the couch and something got our attention. Mackenzie calls out to me that Tux was trying to eat a bird. Yes, a bird! This would be the 2nd one in 2 weeks. The other week while I was outside talking to Amy on the phone Tux decided to eat a bird, feet and beak and all. Well we see feathers starting to fly on the other side of the kitchen table. I am not kidding. Seriously, I'm not kidding. I open the back door and try to get him to go outside w/ his "dinner" and he refuses. So we hear crunching and horrible sounds. Mackenzie is shrieking and crying all in the same breathe and I am shrieking because it's so nasty. I look under the kitchen table and the cat has eaten it in half. Yes, so gross. Tux polished off the entire bird. Nothing left with the exception of loose feathers on the tile. I guess on a positive note he licked up all of the blood and guts.


So I went to Luverne today to the courthouse to look up the records on the land that Lee's mom had. Macie and Lee are trying to sell it and no one knows exactly where it is. It was a 2 hr. drive each way but it wasn't too bad. On the way home tonight I took the most breath taking pictures while driving on the mid-bay bridge of the sunset. This is why I love living in Florida. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Wednesday morning I will try and post pictures on here of the kids from the Fall Festival at a local church. I can't wait. I just hope Jackson will keep on his Elmo costume. I seem to think I'm asking for too much.


And the bird...

Is no more.

I Don't Feel Like Myself

I don't like the meds that I just started taking. I don't know why they are making me feel the way I am or I don't know if I feel this way just because and it has nothing to do w/ the meds or what. I feel depressed. I have no motivation to do anything. Yesterday I felt almost comatose. It was weird. I don't feel like myself. I want to feel like myself. I hate this. I want to feel like Rebekah again. I have a feeling it's not all medicine related. I want it to stop.

My Kids Must Really Love Me!

They must love me because Jackson decided to wake up at 6:30. Yup! He didn't go back to bed. He kept pushing everyone around in the bed. It's such an overcast day and it was still darkish outside. My body was not ready to get up but I did. I also had a headache but now it's gone thanks to some Excederin. I feel like a pill head each morning when I take my daily concoction of meds. Then add 3 Excederin to it and you feel like a junkie. But I must take my meds. :-)

Mom and dad drove down yesterday to bring me my baby pictures so I could go through them before Brad comes down. They were going to go w/ us to Mackenzie's Fall Festival, however, due to the rain and wind they have postponed it until Tuesday during school hours. I picked up Mackenzie at 12:30 from school and mom and dad were at my office when I got back. Mackenzie was just thrilled to see them. I was too. It is always such a long time in between our visits. This next month though will bring lots of time together between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Mom and dad took Mackenzie to get ice cream and just dilly dallied around until 5 when we met at Ruby Tuesday's for dinner. Jackson actually said "Grandma" in the car on the way there. He said it twice. He mumbled similar words but when I called mom he wouldn't say it. He didn't even say it at dinner. I could tell he was happy to see them.

We had a nice time at dinner. I hated for it to end. I feel horrible that they drove down and drove straight back all in the same day but I enjoyed it. Only if it was for a little while at my office and for dinner. I hate not having family here. I wish that I had someone down here. It's not that I get lonely, trust me the kids keep me company, but I just miss having someone close. I use to go to mom and dad's house almost every day when we lived in Montgomery. I'd pop over and Mackenzie would make herself at home with her toys in the cabinet. We'd relax. On Saturday's we'd watch football and mom would make her chili that she makes 100 times in the winter. Sitting out on their bricked in patio in the spring, summer and fall and sitting in the "rocking" chairs that Grandmother use to have on her porch. I love those chairs.

Looking at my baby & childhood pictures brought back so many memories. I was more petite than Mackenzie is at her age but I kept looking at pictures and I seriously felt like I was looking at Mackenzie. Some of my baby pictures remind me of Jackson. It's in the expression and Mackenzie has a few of the same ones. There is a picture of me just in my diaper and I hate shorter hair. I've got a picture of Mackenzie who was the same size and has the same length of hair w/ just her diaper on and of course my black boots. But we look identical. What's funny is I can see Jackson in the picture too. I know Lee thinks he looks just like him and he does but there are some resemblences of me when he looks a certain way. Not often but it does happen.

I am so excited that Christmas is just around the corner. Why do we have to wait until the day after Thanksgiving to put up our Christmas decorations if they are already on sale in the stores? I'm dying to put up our decorations. I wonder if I could get away w/ putting it up the weekend before Thanksgiving since I won't be here the Friday after Thanksgiving. Hmmm... or would that be pushing it? I just know when I get back from Thanksgiving I'll be delayed in getting it up. I can't wait to put my deer in the yard and lights hanging from the eaves. What I reallllllllllly want is the $200 Christmas snow globe for the yard. I won't pay that for it but I want one soooooooo badly. I tried to find them on clearance after Christmas to no avail. But that's okay. I think we have enough this year. Last year was the first time we put much in the yard and it was only a thing of presents and something else, oh my blow up santa that's 3 feet tall or something. I'm ready. I love Christmas. I love the feeling around Christmas. I love that excitment of picking out the perfect gift for Lee and suprising him. I love seeing the kids eyes when they get something they have been dying for and I've just suprised them. I love it. I love the spiced tea I make and I'll attemp to enjoy our fake electric fireplace that emits no heat. It'll be hard getting use to not having a fireplace.

Oh and Angie had baby Charlie yesterday at 4:01. I don't know the stats yet but I'll post them and a picture when I get them.

It's Raining It's Pouring!

It is such a yucky day outside today. Mackenzie's fall festival at her school has been canceled for tonight. Mom and dad drove down today to bring me my baby pictures (and let me tell you there are a ton!!!!) and they were going to go to the festival and then drive back tonight. Well, now we will just be eating dinner together instead. It is so good to see them. I have probably seen Elizabeth more than them this year. So Mackenzie and them are killing time until 5. Mackenzie is just thrilled to pieces that they came to see her. She always gets so excited when they come around.

I went to my Dr. yesterday and she's changing up my blood pressure meds and my ADD meds. She is also having me get lab work done to check my thyroid, kidney and liver functions among other things. I have to say it was quite interesting being able to put down on a Dr.'s questionnaire for the first time what my bioligical medical history is. Erica and I had a good laugh about it. I have a feeling she'll be keeping an even better eye out for me w/ my bp and craziness.

I just need to vent. I went to CVS today to use my $130 in Extracare Bucks that I had earned. With that money I was purchasing diapers. A total of 12 packages to be exact. I went up to the counter and my favorite girl was there and she called for the manager. The high dollar ECBs always have a hard time scanning and require a managers approval. The manager told me that I could not purchase that many packages of diapers and wipe their stock clean. I explained to her that I bought different brands as not to do that and she still refused me. You see my ECB's printed in 1 coupon b/c I had bought the same product in the same day. If you buy 2 different items that qualify then you'd get 2 different coupons. My problem is I couldn't break up the $130 I had to spend it all at one time. I asked the manager if the ECB's state they can be used on anything in the store that I want except for prescriptions then why would CVS not allow me to use them on what I wanted? Then I got the spill from her that she'd do it just this one time blah blah blah. She told me next time I spent my ECBs she wouldn't allow me to purchase the same item repeatedly. Fine. I'll go to my other favorite CVS. blah!

Okay, so Angie did not get induced on Wednesday. I've been meaning to update this but haven't. They ended up sending her home and putting her on bedrest because the AFI (amniotic fluid index) was not as low as they had thought. Well she started having contractions yesterday and then at 6pm they were every 5 minutes. This morning around 9:30 she went to the hospital and she is there now. Last I heard which was around 1:30 she was 6cm dialted. Little Charlie will be making his apperance very soon. I sent Bonnie off to be with her. I can't wait for this. I just love everyone having babies. It keeps me from feeling the need to have more. I think that's a woman thing. I can just watch other peoples bellies grow and see their little ones and I don't have to foot the bill for them. Sounds like a good idea.

I haven't even scratched the surface with my baby pictures but I did find a few incriminating ones. I found one I could blackmail my uncle David w/ for sure. There is also one of my cousin Neil having his arms around me in Grandmothers maroon rocking chair. I had a definite look of pain on my face. I did not want to be there. I can't wait to look are more of the pictures. I appreciate mom bringing them to me. Even though it was hard for her to let them go. You wouldn't believe the notes she put. On top of the tub was a note that if I didn't take good care of them then lightening would strike me. Then were was another in one of the books and another. Hmmm.... do you think she wants me to be careful with them? I can't really tell.

Uh Oh... I'm In BIG Trouble

So I went to the Dr. today to get my med refills. I've had enough Adderall and Effexor to tied me over but I had run out of my Xanax and Norvasc. I don't really care about the Xanax because I don't really need it often BUT I could tell my blood pressure has been up lately. Oh yeah, he took my bp and it was 168/110. Yup! I'm in trouble! So he gave me a prescription and I'm getting it filled today. I need to get it back down. I can tell from my headaches that it's sky rocketed back up. This Dr. though wouldn't prescribe me my Adderall and it's almost out. He said since he didn't diagnos it and he didn't have a letter from a psych then he couldn't write the prescription. I only went to this Dr. b/c I knew he could go ahead and get me in quickly and write me a refill. So I'm okay not having the Adderall. So I just made an appointment with Erica. She was my favorite Dr. ever but she moved to a practice in Baker which is an hr and 15 mins from my office. I figure if I have to make the trek up there to see her every 3 months I can handle it. When I get sick and need antibiotics then I'll just go back to White Wilson for that.

With all of my various ailments it's important to have a Dr. you can trust and really be able to talk to. I found that with Erica. I love her to pieces. I was devestated when I was told that she was moving to Orlando. I then found out that she didn't move to Orlando after all she just moved her practice to Baker. She's in w/ a Dr. up there. Erica is actually a PA. I like the PA's style and how they work with their patients. She knows that I am very intune with my medical problems and trusts me. I love her. Too bad I can't find a gyno I like that much.

Bonnie just got a call from her sister Angie and she is at the hospital right now. She is 38 weeks pregnant and went to her visit today and she's got low amniotic fluid just like I did with Jackson. They are monitoring the babies stress levels right now. She was crying but I told her not to worry everything should be fine. I tried to calm her and tell her that if it was too low to where baby Charlie wouldn't be okay they'd of already taken him. I can't wait for Charlie to make his apperance. I just hope that she will have the Dr. tell her soon his course of action. I have a feeling they'll give her Cervadil or something to the equivalent to thin out her cervix. Then tomorrow morning around 5 or so they'll start the Pitocin. More than likely the Cervadil will start her labor overnight. It did both times for me.

Thinking of Angie and her having the baby makes me remember when Mackenzie and Jackson were born. How wonderful it was. It was painful as hell for Jackson to come out and little Miss Mackenzie didn't hurt one bit except for the 2 hours I was in labor and no one would come and check on me. Then of course my BP was 1xx/119 and then everyone freaked out. Nurses rushing around and Dr.'s yelling at them orders trying to get the Mag in me. Oh what wonderful times. I'll have to post my birth story.

"Why I Wore Lipstick to My Masectomy"

What a wonderful movie. It is a movie based on a book by Geralyn Lucas who was 27 years old when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I don't ever watch Lifetime movies anymore but was flipping threw and it caught my eye. I am so glad it did. It's been very moving. I've since pulled her story up on the internet. I want to go out and buy her book tomorrow. She is now 37 and has a 5 year old daughter. I think that's so wonderful because she didn't think she'd ever have a baby. Such a moving movie. It comes on again on Sunday. I highly recommend watching it.

Today was not a wonderful day at work. I am having to deal with this guy who has no freaking clue how things really are. Yes, he has extensive mortgage experience. Yes, he has owned a mortgage company. What he doesn't quite get at this point is he is not in the mortgage business any more. He doesn't own his own company any more. He won't always get a "yes" response from everyone he approaches. The market and business in Destin is a lot different than what he is use to. I am troubled at the tone he has used towards me and Bonnie. I am also disturbed at how he can sit there and tell both of us that since he personally didn't bring in xx amount of clients he doesn't feel right taking a paycheck. He set a goal, blah blah blah and he didn't meet it so he feels like he shouldn't be paid unless he meets his goal, etc. I am looking at him in disbelief trying to figure out exactly what he is trying to say. The tone he used felt as if he was saying we shouldn't expect to be paid either and feel right taking paychecks if the goals aren't met. Bonnie and I both felt the tone from him. I'm sorry but his goals are not my goals. I am the operations manager and not the marketing director. I am paid not based on what I bring in but based on my competency in the office and taking care of the operation side of things. I ensure that all loans are closed in compliance, title is cleaned up, issuing policies, cutting checks, reconciling bank statements, handling the bills. All operational things. Marketing and production is not in my job description. I have gone above and beyond what I am even suppose to do to help him out. I have compiled database after database for him so he doesn't have to. I am even going to re-enter everything I put into the first database because he gave me the wrong disk for the database program he insisted on me using. I knew that I should be using MS Access, but he didn't listen or pay attention when I told im that's not the disk he gave me. Of course today after inputting all of his data he tells me he gave me the wrong program. So tomorrow I will update everything. Not because I have to but because I AM a team player. I want to help. I want him to succeed with his business. If he succeeds then I succeed. Bottom line is I don't ever want him to ever make me feel that if his goals are not met that I shouldn't accept a paycheck. I have not owned my own company and made millons of dollars. I am 26 years old and not pushing 50 like he is. I am not to be talked down to. I should be shown the same respect I show him. Okay. I'm done w/ the work vent.

I just saw the end of the movie and it had the real Geralyn Lucas on there. Not only does she have a daughter but she just had a boy earlier this year. How great is that? The movie really moved me. I think because it was real, raw and is something that can hit home.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day. I am sure it will be. I'm going to dress myself in something that makes me feel pretty, put on my makeup and be sassy. Feel good about myself. It's funny but certain outfits can make me feel so great. You put it on and you feel pretty or just good about yourself. I need more outfits like that. I need some warmer clothes. I hate shopping though. The styles in stores right now are just not my idea of style. I like browns and blacks and more conservative clothes. I just can't get into the outrageous looking clothes. I need a new pair of boots. I love wearing my favorite pair of jeans and boots in the winter. The boots help me look a little taller and my legs a little longer. I need all the help I can get in the height department. What's the deal with all of the shorties? Eileen 5'1 and Mary 4'11. I think the biological grandmothers helped curse my height.

Well I'm off to go to bed.

Blah Blah Blah!

What a boring day. I think the golf tournament on Thursday just threw me off of my game. I've been exhausted and just blah. This weekend I just didn't do too much. I mean Mackenzie and I went to the baby shower but that was about it. I felt so odd yesterday. Just tired and out of it. I felt better today but not too much.

Okay I've felt so good about the weight I lost but I think I blew it today. Yup, I did. I can just feel it. I think I've deprived myself for a few months. I ate the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I baked. I cannot admit how many. I then ate the filet last night and the mac 'n cheese. For a late lunch today I ate a personal pan pizza I made and then I had some of these cookies I bought. I'm not even a big sweets person. I don't like cookies. I always buy them but I'm never the one to eat them. Then I also ate some of the fat free Ruffles. I feel like a pig. My stomach has expanded. I think it's going to explode. I need to purge all of this from my system. It makes me feel so disgusting. I think I've got issues with food now. No, I just have issues when I eat more than I should.

Lee is off tomorrow and is picking up Mackenzie from school. She loves being in the car riders. I hope when I wake up in the morning it will be a much better day. Being in a routine helps me function so perhaps that's what I need. I don't know why I'm blogging right now. I have no idea why I'm even typing out my day today. It was borning. Who in the world needs to know what I ate? No one.

Hmmmm....... maybe if I made myself post everything I ate for the day then I'd be more careful. That sounds like an idea until I gorge myself that is.

Ohhhhh... I watched Grey's Anatomy. It was so awesome. I cannot wait for Thursday night. It's the best show ever written. The acting is superb. I wait in anticipation for every episode. At least I know I'm not the only one. I'm watching Studio 60 right now and it's not half bad either. I love Matthew Perry and add Bradley Whitford, Amanda Peete, Timothy Busfield, Evan Handler, and DL Hughley and you have a great ensemble. The other unknown cast members are great too. I'm like the conosouiere of TV. It's sad. It's like I have no life. I guess it's just my escape.

Okay, I'm running now. To bed that is. Or maybe to the leftover filet. Hmmm... okay I'm going to bed. If I eat another bite I'll die. 'night

No More Blogging After Midnight

I have banned myself from writing blogs after midnight. I just re-read my blog from early this morning/last night and it was horrific spelling and just craziness. I slept in until almost 10. I've been up with Jackson since then and he's been so sweet. Mackenzie ran down to Stella and Emily's house to play. I was reading Jackson a Cookie Monster and Elmo book. He's so adorable. He now says Big Bird. It's so cute. He's also got Elmo down too.

I'm watching this MTV show called Two-a-Days about the Hoover AL football team from last year. I have to say it's pretty cool because they're all southerners from Alabama but it all seems so familiar. It's the finale and they filmed it at Christmas time last year. I love seeing the Christmas trees. I can't wait for Christmas. I can't wait to put up our Christmas tree this year. Lee and I were talking and we desperately need a new tree. The one we currently have is falling apart. OMG, the Dr. on this MTV shows who is going to do one of the football players surgery is the same guy who did Jana's dads hip and shoulder replacement. It's so near seeing them show the B'ham landscape.

I'll probably buy a new tree after Christmas and wait until the 75 or 90% sales. I can't wait though to put out my reindeer and other things outside. I'm so proud that I got them all for 90% off last year. Yes, thank you thank you. I've also got all of my wrapping needs for Christmas already. Would expect anything less than 90%? Of course not. I'm not looking forward to the cold but I am looking forward to the holidays.

After talking to my cousin Neil last Sunday I think I would enjoy going to GA for Thanksgiving. I haven't seen them in years and it'd be great. Honestly, I would love to show off my kids. I'm so proud of them and love being able to flaunt them. Gosh, it sounds like they're a fine piece of jewelry or something. I just don't know what Lee's plan is. He has said that he wants to stay at home by himself and have me and the kids go off on our own. I just can't imagine leaving him though. I'd rather stay with him than leave him here. I don't want him to be alone.

Well I'm off to take care of Jackson. I've been taking care of him this entire time but you know. Play more with him. We've been throwing the ball back and forth. Bye!

Shouldn't I Be Sleeping?

I think I should be in bed. Okay, I know I should be in bed. I'm not really tired though. Lee went to bed a little while ago and it's just me up. Me and the rain. I'm sitting at our desktop computer which is really odd. I haven't used it in months. I love our laptop. Although the keyboard is working nicely. Yes, it's confirmed. I am a nerd.

I went to Angie's baby shower today. It was very nice and relaxing. Bonnie was there and brough Griffin and Luke. Betsy brought Addison and let me tell you he is so freaking adorable I just want to squeeze him. Catherine Brannon came and I have to say it wasn't that bad. I actually enjoyed talking to her and seeing her in the non SETCO environment I remember how nice she can be. Genuine. Thank goodness she didn't tell any of us that we looked like death warmed over or that we needed a makeover. If that happened, well, let's just say the nice Rebekah would not have been present. Those of you who don't know her won't understand everything. What was hysterically was that me, Betsy, Bonnie, Angie, Stevie, and Dana all used to work at SETCO. Quite humerous if you ask me. We were some of the best employees they ever had. Stupidity, greediness and just their blatant disregard for anything right lost us. I have to admit I'm a little happy that their business drop drastically since we left and that they've lost their market share.

I stopped by Jana's after the shower. I left Jackson and Lee at the house and had taken Mackenzie with me. Well Jana wasn't home but I heard someone calling Mackenzie. Turns out Colton from her class lives caddie corner to Jana. I talked w/ Colton's mom for about 30 minutes or so and then we had to head out. Jana ended up coming home in the meantime. Lee picked up filets and Jana came over for dinner. I made my homemade mac 'n cheese (and yes, it is a vegetable). It was sooooo good. Jackson who use to hate mac 'n cheese now loves it and scarfed it up.

Jana gave me some old pictures of me and Mackenzie and Jackson while I was at her house. I have to say I cringed at some of them. Okay, all of them. I've always had self esteem issues regarding my physical appearance, but I have to say that lately I feel so much better. I know I've lost at least 25lbs in the past few months. I can tell it in my face and certainly my chest. I never thought they'd go down but they have. Between my hair (which I hated at first but now love) and my wonderful makeup job and the sun from Thursday I felt pretty. I'm not conceited, but it's been a long time since I've felt that way. Now I know that once I see a picture of me from today I'll wanna puke. I'm still fat. I hate it. I hate having the stomach. Loose skin from having my babies. Yuck. I wish I felt better about myself. The one thing that keeps me from not totally throwing myself off a bridge (and NO, I'd never really do that, so please do not call DCFS or a psych facility, we already know I'm crazy) is that Lee loves me for who I am. He's never told me I'm fat or tried to change me. He's the one person who has accepted me for me. He has no idea how much that means to me. I love him for that.

Jackson and Mackenzie were hyper as could be tonight. I don't know what got into them but they were bouncing off the walls. Brad happened to call while I was waiting on Lee to cook the steaks. Jana and I were sitting on the couch while he was on the phone and then Mackenzie blurts out that she wants to play spin the bottle. Ummmm... EXCUSE ME. Where in the world did she learn that phrase. It was apparent after a few moments that she had no idea what the game truly is except to spin the bottle, actually she was spinning the football. It's freaking me out because it's just a matter of time before she learns what the game is. She's 6. Can I stop her from learning too much?????? Tell me there is something I can do. Lord help us all.

It's pouring down rain. It sounds so nice. It's almost 3. I guess I need to go to bed. Hey Jana. I love you and I'm here for you no matter what. Yes, I said I love you. Don't run, you know if you were here I'd give you a huge hug. Yup, I would. You're my best friend. We've been through so much over the years but I wouldn't know what to do without you. You help me stay grounded. Tomorrow night Lee works so we have to watch Grey's. I still haven't seen Thursdays episode and it's driving me crazy. I'm laughing at my last sentence. It doesn't take much to make me crazy does it?

so long... farewell... I'm going to bed... good bye, good bye, good bye (and imagine the Sound of Music song going in my head while I typed that. It sounded so beautiful in my head.)

Golf

Yesterday Bonnie and I had to attend a golf tournament for the Northwest Chapter of the Florida Mortgage Brokers Association. We were at the golf course from 10 until almost 4:45. It was in the high 80's yesterday with the humity in the high 80's. It was miserable. I was so hot and sticky. I also ended up with a sunburn even though I strategically placed our golf cart so there was shade over us. I feel so bad for Bonnie because she is definitely white and got sunburned soooo bad too. At least mine turns into a tan and I won't peel. I guess it's the last suntan of the summer for me.

We unexpectedly had a good time. I was able to hit my first real golf ball. It was rather funny but I enjoyed it. Some guys drove up to our hole and one of the guys offered to let me hit the ball for him because he said I couldn't do any worse than him. Well not wanting to totally screw up his game I declined. But one of the guys set up the ball for me and gave me a club. He tried to give me pointers but it was kind of embarrassing knowing that these people are watching you. The first swing I missed. Yeah, I was slightly mortified. But they told me it was my practice swing. I did notice the golfers doing that so I guess it was okay. The next swing I slammed the ball. I was mighty suprised at how far it went. It could have gone farther but they didn't give me a really high iron club. I did make a small divet but they assured me it happens.

Now I want to go out to the driving range and see what I can do with the ball. I just know golf clubs are expensive but I think it'd be fun to try it. The next tournament we have then maybe I could play. I'd still suck at it but that's okay. Bonnie and I did learn some golf lingo for the next time we're at a tournament. We also have learned the proper ettiquite when driving by someone about to hit the ball.

Needless to say I was exhausted when I got home. I had to take a shower first thing. It felt so great. I am so anal about the kids being clean but I just couldn't give them a bath last night. So this morning I did. Mackenzie has a soccer game tonight, thank goodness it's an early game. Lee's off today and tomorrow. We have Angie's baby shower tomorrow. I can't wait for her to have that baby. Hopefully though she'll have him by her due date. She's due Nov. 6th and Bonnie is going to take off when the baby comes. I just hope it's not when Brad comes down on the 9th.

You know somethings wrong or I'm exhausted when I miss Grey's Anatomy. Yup, I missed it. I'll have to watch it this weekend. I just couldn't move a muscle. I went to bed about 8:30. It felt nice to lay my head down. I must've gone straight to sleep. I don't remember much of anything. I feel much better this morning though.

I talked to Bobbi for a little bit yesterday while I was on the course. I had to go though because the golfers finally started coming to our hole. I didn't have a chance to call her back. I have no idea when they are going to want me to come out there but it's going to have to be after Feb 20th. I know this is horrible but we just won't have any extra money until after everything is settle in Montgomery. I hate the way things have been so tight lately. Lee is going to take his mom's car so we won't have to put any more money into his car. That will be nice. Then we can sell his car at some point.

I think Jana is getting a new car. I'm so happy for her. She's been driving that Accord since she got it brand new back in '99. I wonder what car she will end up with. That car though has so many wonderful memories. I remember when she had her 1st car. The gold Accord. Wow, that was such a long time ago. I still can't believe we have been friends since we were 15. That's 11 years. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I have no idea what I'd do without her. I'm sure I'd be even crazier than I am now. The same for her. Our craziness just balances each other out a little bit.

I'm off to work. I'm tired. I wish I could crawl under my desk. I don't think that'd work though.

Locked Out of the House

I took a day off from posting. I have had a lot going on with work and just haven't had the time. Bobbi had her surgery on Monday and it went well. She was out of the surgery center by 1pm. I can't believe that she got out so quickly. I spoke with her Monday night and she sounded a lot better than I expected. I hope she has a very quick recovery.

Today is finally a better day weather wise. Yesterday was absolutely horrible once again. I've been really busy getting ready for a golf tournament tomorrow. I do not want to go. I hate golf and I hate doing marketing functions. I guess I'll just make the best out of it. Hopefully it will be sunny and I can get a tan. The last one of the year. Business is picking up which I am thrilled about. Bob is doing a good job bringing business in.

Amy, Brad's wife, called me last night. It is the first time I have spoken with her. I was very suprised but in a good way. I know it has to be very hard being a spouse in all of this but on top of that being a wife. I know women handle things and feel things a lot differently. We talked for over 2 hours and I have to say it was very positive. She is just a nice on the phone as Brad had said. She is also a very good listener, it must come from her days as a therapist.

While we were on the phone I realized that I had been locked out of the house. This was at 10pm. I was still on the phone and started ringing the doorbell continuously. Buffet kept barking like crazy but no one came. I didn't want to beat on the doors while on the phone so over the next hour I'd keep ringing the bell. We finally get off the phone at 11pm. I beat on Mackenzie's windows and the front door. Ring the doorbell until I think it's going to die. Buffet is going wild. Nothing. No one comes.

I then tried to break into the house by opening a window. My first attempt did not go so well. The window wouldn't budge. It's almost 11:30 by now. I finally find a window in Mackenzie's room. I take the screen off of that one. I can't get the window open. I go out to the car and get a diaper to help dry the window off. It still won't budge. I had come to terms that I may have been sleeping outside in the chair or in my car. Not fun.

I keep trying her window and finally it comes open. So me, the mom, the adult, the house owner, is breaking into my own house. I see Mackenzie. Sleeping. Hadn't moved once. I shut her window and then make sure all of the windows are locked in the house. I open our bedroom door and guess what. LEE IS SITTING IN THE BED WIDE AWAKE WITH THE LAPTOP. Yes, my dear husband was awake the entire time. Did her hear the doorbell? No. He couldn't figure out why Buffet was barking so much. It was his dear wife trying to get inside for an hour and a half.

It was not fun. It was sad. But I made it in. Of course Jackson had woken up by then and kept me up until almost 12:30. I finally passed out and now it's morning. I'm going to have to hide a key outside.

Migraines 'n Wind

The weather today was down right dreary. It rained this morning and stayed cloudy all day long. We had wind gusts between 27 & 37 mph all day long. It felt as if a tropical storm was in town. On top of that I didn't get a good nights rest. Elizabeth and her friend Sarah came into town last night at 12:30. I was in the bed w/ Mackenzie b/c I had left the front door unlocked for them. I got up when they got in and I went in my room but Jackson as always kicked me around. I had to get up early today because I had a breakfast meeting w/ some loan officers. By the time I got finished I had the worst headache ever. Actually, it turned into a migraine. I finally kicked the migraine part by early afternoon but the dull headache has stayed. On top of that it was just so dreary. Not a good happy feeling day.

Mackenzie went to the circus last night with Stella and Emily our neighbors. She had such a wonderful time. Maria brought her home around 9:30. She was absolutely exhausted. But she had a good time. She had a chance to ride on the elephants but she was too scared. I thought she'd of done it of all people. I think the tiredness crept in to today because she was cranky tonight. Majorly cranky, but once Jana got here she got better.

Jackson was so funny tonight with Jana. He kept drinking water from her bottle and he'd make the cutest faces and shudder when he got finished. He kept coming back for "mo". Mackenzie is so good with Jackson. I am so proud of what a great big sister she is. She was such the little adult tonight sitting with the laptop. She kept looking at pictures and when she'd get stuck she'd ask for help. It was so cute. When I got the laptop a little later she wanted it back. Ummm... you're 6. It's mommy's turn. I have a feeling she's going to be wanting a laptop fairly soon. The Barbie one just ain't cutting it anymore.

I got a card today in the mail. It's been quite a long time since I've gotten a card that wasn't for my birthday or a holiday. It was from Brad. It's so strange because we have the same openess and we're the same in so many ways when it comes to our emotions and how we can express them. I have to say the card made my week. It was so sweet and kind and made me smile... okay and I cried a little bit too. I have to also say his handwriting is really good for a guy. I was very impressed.

Wow, I found out something interesting today. When I was talking to Bobbi I asked her if she has any gaps in her teeth. Okay, what's so freaky is she has the same exact gap in the middle and the same tooth to the right of her big tooth has a gap as well. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. And Eileen has the same gaps too. It's funny because Bobbi has been as self conscious about it as I am. The more I find out between physical and personality traits I really feel as if I know where it all comes from. It's wonderful to me. I finally can see myself physically in someone else. I always thought how you were raised and the people you were around influenced your personality but I'm finding out that I am soooooo the same in soooooo many ways to Bobbi and Brad. Things that neither my mom or dad really have.

Well, I'm going to try and find something to eat. I know it's kind of late, but I was too tried to eat when I came home and now I'm just so starving that if I don't eat a little something I won't be able to sleep. 'night

Wild Kids & Cleaning...

That is not a good combination. I'm trying to do laundry and clean the house today. I've had Jackson running around tearing everything apart and Mackenzie, well her room, there are no words to describe the total and utter chaos of it all. It feels as if I tell her 100 times a day not to take food/drinks into her room. Please bring your dirty clothes into the laundry room. Please pick up your toys. Please get the trash out. She supposedly took the trash out last night but I was sooooo mad when I found 2 coke cans, 2 apple juice boxes, 2 spoons w/ peanut butter on them, 2 cups and miscellaneous food trash. Oh and the Fruity Pebbles all over her bed and floor. It's so horrible! Is this payback? Please tell me it'll end soon. She's only 6.

I've given up on picking up the Little People, blocks, balls, cars, etc. Everytime I put them back up they just get dumped out all over again. I can't stand the mess in the middle of the floor. I guess I need to just come to terms with the fact that until it's nighttime I might as well stop trying to pick them up.

If I seem irritable, I am. It only happens 12 months a year. :-) I'm not the neatest person or most anal person about things, but since I've had my own house I've become worse. Sometimes things don't bother me as much as others, but it's driving me crazy right now. What's sad is as soon as I get everything in it's place and vacuumed and counters wiped down and toliets cleaned and beds made then someone takes it out and gets crumbs on the floors and get sticky stuff on the counter and blows up the toliet and jumps on the bed.

There is no point in me getting a cleaning lady. Right now I can't afford one, but when we had them come every 2 weeks I stressed out about them coming that I did more cleaning than they did. I'm weird like that. I can't stand having cleaning ladies come in my house and seeing it if it isn't clean. Go ahead tell me I'm nutso. I am well aware of that. Too aware. That's what wonderful drugs are for.

I'm still smiling over the Auburn win last night. I can't wait to give our neighbors a hard time. He has a Florida chair that sits on his patio and I can see it from our kitchen window. I feel the needs to get a huge Auburn flag and put it in our yard. The only thing that stops me is because Lee is not a big Auburn fan and loves Alabama too. I just can't like Alabama. I've tried, I can't. So I don't want to have Auburn stuff up because of his Alabama thing.

I talked to Jed last night. He's such a nut. I think he now thinks it is his mission in life to annoy me as little brothers should do. Too bad he doesn't realize I can give it back just as much. One of his friends told him to tell me hi and instead Jed gave him the phone. Oh my gosh! Sean had the heaviest thickest mid-western accent I've ever heard. Iowa or Nebraska accent, I don't care it was bad. No offense to yankees and mid-westerners but I'd rather have my southern drawl and day of the week and twice on Sundays. (Lee you taught me well, get it?) Jed has been driving more and drove to Sioux City 4 days this week round trip. I am so proud of him. I know the more the drives the easier it will get.

I hung up all of the kids clothes today and cleaned out their closets. They look so bare. It's very sad. I still need to find Mackenzie a small sweater or jacket. Jackson's coat still fits from last year. It was a little big then and the sleeves fit perfect now. I realized I had some jeans for him already that I had bought on clearance at the end of last winter. You can't beat .98 jeans. I'm sure those of you who read this probably think I'm just this cheap person. I'm not really, but I just can't beat a good deal. That's why when I got the Head & Shoulders shampoo for .31 a bottle I had to buy all they had. Do you know how much money I saved by buying 31 of them? It makes perfect sense to me. And that's all that matters. I won't tell y'all how many bottles of All Small & Mighty detergent I got for $1 a piece. It'll make you sick.

Off to start cleaning again. I really don't want to. Someone come do it for me. Please?

Auburn Football

I am sitting here watching Auburn kick off to start the 2nd half of the game. I hope Auburn can bring their game back. I'm not ready to lose another game. Jackson is sitting on the couch smiling and playing w/ a magazine. Mackenzie just came running in here and is loving on him. They're so cute together.

I didn't get half of what I wanted to accomplish actually accomplished. I ended up taking Mackenzie to get some fall clothes and we went to Old Navy and Target. We were suppose to also go to Payless so I could find her some boots and then to Wal-Mart to get some groceries but I just couldn't do it. I am/was just exhausted. I was so glad to get home.

I did find some cute things for the kids today. I hated spending the money but I didn't have a choice. I found Mackenzie a pair of jeans for $1.97 at Old Navy. Yup, you read that correctly. They just happened to be her exact size. It was great. I got Jackson some shirts on clearance there too. At Target I got Jackson some shirts on clearance and then some cute little cotton long sleeve shirts and a clearanced pair of jeans. Mackenzie got a dress (on clearance too, would you have thought any different) and a couple or three shirts (not on clearance, yes, it was sad). I had to get Jackson a new pair of tennis shoes and Mackenzie got a pair of white leather shoes. I've got to find her a pair of boots to go with her 2 darling birthday outfits I got her.

I need to go shopping too, but I think I'll wait as long as I can. I'm getting tired of Jana telling me to pull up my pants because they're hanging down or Bonnie telling me my shirts are too big. I've been in denial about the weight I've lost in the past few months. Not that I've lost the 150lbs I'd love to, but it's enough where my pants won't stay up. I was talking to Lee this morning and I pulled a pair of jeans all the way off of me still buttoned and zipped. Thankfully I only paid $4.97 for them at Target.


AUBURN JUST SCORED A TOUCHDOWN!!! THANKS TO THE STUPID FLORIDA PUNTER WHO HANDED US THE BALL!!!!! WAR EAGLE BABY!!!!!!!

Wow, that was amazing!!!!!!!!! I'm on a high right now. I wonder if dad or Brad is watching this game. I know dad was earlier, I hope he's watching this. Brad said he'd watch it and pull for Auburn. He's probably alseep already though. I cannot imagine going to bed at 9 every night. I guess if I got up at 5 something, but that's missing the entire night and 2 whole hours of "my" shows if you're on EST.

I'm on cloud nine. We just have to be smart and stop them. This game is intense. Not as much as the Tenn/GA game last week. Well, maybe. My heart is pounding. I'm still laughing my booty off that Vandy beat Georgia. That is the funniest thing I've heard all week. I can't believe they've lost the past 2 games at home. Wow, interesting fact. The just flashed up the sizes of the largest cities in AL and Montgomery is now 2nd. We just sacked Leak. Go shorty it's your birthday. Gosh, I'm so weird. I know. Only Jana will appreciate this post.

I am also thrilled The Montgomery Advertiser finally updated the weddings. Two whole weeks worth. It's my weekly thrill. I also love looking at who got divorced and the marriage licenses. I better go see what Jackson is doing. I hear silverware banging and pitter patter of little feet.

WAR EAGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pancakes

Mackenzie was fixing breakfast a moment ago. She was heating up pancakes. Jackson saw her with the pancakes and he said "pancake" clear as a bell. In the past week he has really started saying more and more words. They're so cute in the mornings. I love it on Saturday & Sunday mornings because we can be lazy for a little while and all cuddle and snuggle together. Mackenzie woke up at 6 this morning. She is so excited because it's Griffin's birthday party today. She can't wait for us to go get him a present. I love how she has a big heart. And Griffin, well he just adores her. It's so sweet and cute!

Okay, when I woke up this morning it was 42 degrees. I'm seriously wanting to know what has happened. My sink water would always be warm when I turned it on at first. Well this morning it was not. It was ice cold. Now it's confirmed it's not because it's broken it was warm, it's because it shoots out first the water from the ground and if it's cold it's cold and vice versa. I went shopping for the kids some winter clothes last weekend, but didn't end up with Jackson any shirts. I was not fond of what I found. I just know that he needs some long sleeve shirts.

I think I need to go ahead and get a jacket too. If we had gone to the soccer game last night I would have needed one. I just hate jackets and coats. I know that I need to just make sure that the kids are warm. I guess I'm going to have to sadly change out my favorite shoes for the winter ones. Bye bye my crop pants that are so darling. Bye bye my favorite shirts. Hello closed toe shoes that I hate so much. I cannot stand not being able to wiggle my toes.

Today will be a nice day. Lee's off and we don't have any pressing plans except for the birthday party. He's still asleep right now. I know he had a horrible night at work. He called me and was telling me how so many servers didn't show up and they're slammed b/c of the fall breaks. Let me tell you I can feel those fall breakers here. The traffic has gotten back to mid-May levels. I hope they all leave this weekend and don't come back until next summer. Hey, they don't have to come back at all. They can't drive and they make my commute longer. It's just frustrating.

I wish I had family that lived close by. I hate that everyone misses out on the little things that Jackson and Mackenzie do. I would love to share that with everyone, but I will never leave Florida so it doesn't matter. But Elizabeth is coming down here tomorrow night. She's bringing Sarah with her. I haven't told Lee yet. It's not that I did it on purpose (I have to admit sometimes I don't tell him until she/others are coming that day) but in all honesty we haven't seen each other at all this week. I can't wait to see Elizabeth. I love her so much. We never really got along too well growing up, but now it's so different. We will have to have a pre-Black Friday strategy meeting while she is here. Not that I'm going to have any money to spend on that, because I'm not, but still. It's amazing. We had what for us was a decent savings account but it's all been drained lately. Between his car and his car it's not fun.

Christmas always ends up being stressful for us. I love buying people presents and taking the time to carefully pick out something that will mean something to them. I am always given a budget but rarely stick to it. I don't know how we had the money last year, oh yeah I do, we didn't have the outrageous house payment. Our house payment is triple what I rent was. Yeah, how's that for a fact. So this year I'm going to have to figure it all out. And I will it's just that I hate thinking about money. Bonnie and I talk about it all the time. It would save probably half of all marriages and would perhaps cutback on heart attack victims if money was never an issue. Unless I want to live in a communist country where I am doled out cheese, money and a house then I'll stick with a free enterprise economy.

I need to go and get ready. I'm taking Mackenzie with me to go into town and to buy Griffin's gift. I may try and snag Jackson a shirt or two. It depends on how cute they are and how much they are. I refuse to pay $20 for a kids shirt. Okay, enough about money. It is the root of all evil. I'm just now trying to get the courage to take a shower when I know the water will be freezing when I start it.

It's a Cold Friday

It's cold outside today. It's overcast and windy. The high is suppose to be 75 but I don't see how. It is just not a good day. Mackenzie's soccer game is tonight at 7. I've got to go home after work and we'll change clothes so we can kill some time, even if it means driving 45 minutes home and then 45 minutes back. She could only find one shin guard this morning. I can't find her socks either. Yes, it's not a good day at all. I wore my crop pants, a short sleeve shirt and my cute high heel thongs. My feet are cold. I know Jackson is going to get cold out there tonight too. I better put him in his jeans. It's too early for it to get chilly here.

I guess I better go get her another pair of shin guards and socks. I'm not looking forward to that at all. I haven't eaten lunch yet. Bonnie took my car for business and she forgot to leave me her keys in case I needed to run out. So no lunch for me and I can't go get Mackenzie's things. This week has been rough at work and I'm just ready for the weekend. Tomorrow we have Bonnie's son's, Griffin, birthday party. He is 2 today. In a flash they get so big.

I can't believe Jackson will be 2 in December. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with him and being told that they had to take him 4 weeks earlier. I remember how scared Lee was that something would go wrong or that his lungs wouldn't be fully developed. The little booger didn't give us any problems though. He was just perfect. Just like his big sister. He was so tiny and so perfect. Everyone around me needs to just keep having babies so I don't have to. It sounds like a good plan to me. I can enjoy them but not pay for them. Kids are expensive.

Lee is off of work tomorrow. He was going to drive to Montgomery tonight when he got off of work but decided against it. Tomorrow they are having a yard sale to sell the remainder of his mom's belongings. I know that has to be hard on him. He felt like he needed to be there because Macie has done so much but I don't want him killing himself to do it. He'd have to turn right back around and drive back Saturday night and then open the restaurant the next morning. He needs lots of sleep on any given day and it'd be too much for him.

I'm getting moody. I think I need to go scrounge to find something to eat in the office. Sometimes if I don't eat then I get very testy and no one should come around me. It's not always a good thing. I'll see if I can find some crackers or something.

Bouncing of the Walls

I'm bouncing off the walls. I don't know why. I haven't had a particularly good day. No, work sucked. But I'll survive it. I am thrilled, just thrilled that Brad and I have settled on when he and Amy are coming down. They'll arrive on Nov. 9th. I cannot wait to meet Amy too. I also can't wait to finally see Brad in person when my entire life he was only in my dreams. I think it will be wonderful and I'll get to show off my children. The only thing is he is not allowed to come if he brings cold weather with him. It's snowing there today. SNOWING!?!?!?! I'm wearing crops and a sleeveless shirt and it's snowing there. Something is definitely wrong with that.

Tonight Grey's Anatomy comes on. I cannot wait to watch it. It's my favorite show. Jana is coming over to catch up on the episodes she missed. She watched 1 & 2 last night so she'll watch 3 & 4. I feel so bad because Tabitha called me last night and Jackson was hell on wheels and I forgot to call her back. I just got so busy. Sorry Tabitha! I don't know why Jackson has been so cranky lately. I don't know if he's getting sick or if he's teething or what. Mackenzie is much better. She's a great little girl.

We have a soccer game tomorrow night. I sure do hope it's the 6:00 one. I hate the late games. I'll have to check the schedule. Lee won't be able to make it to this game either. I feel bad for him because he misses them. I guess I also feel bad for myself because I'm chasing Jackson off of the soccer fields all by myself.

For those of you who I sent my baby picture to I was not crabby (as someone mentioned) on my 2nd b'day. I had pneumonia. I resent any comments stating otherwise. And how would you (you know who you are) feel if you had a bad bowl haircut?

Well, I'm off to pick up the kids from school. I'll head home and do my usual routine. Although I have to admit it's been a little unusual lately, but I enjoy it.

Clarity

I have clarity now. It's not because I necessarily have my answers, I don't. I just realized that through this entire journey I have yet to truly be emotional about it all. I have held up better than most people would have in my situation. I haven't cried except when I read the sweetest email from Brad. That all came to an end last night. It was finally the time for me to just let the flood gates wide open. I didn't feel good last night, but I feel better today. I can't sit and wonder certain things or it will drive me nuts. Can I change it all? No. Do I want to? No. Could things have been differently? Yes. But that's okay. I'm here now and that's all that matters to me.

I do have to say that I cannot stand Catholic Charities, okay, I loathe them. I hate them. It's frustrating that they knew that Brad wasn't even in the area and he was shipped out and they knew that their paperwork would never get to him. They never game him a fair chance. Instead they ran an ad in the newspaper stating that if my birth father didn't come forward then his rights would be terminated. Did anyone tell anyone any of this? Not even my parents knew. Bobbi didn't know and Brad certainly didn't know. His rights were terminated on June 26, 1980. Again, let me say this again, I wouldn't change anything, but it's not right.

It's not right that Grandma Eileen was told by the social worker that she had to hand me over because my adoptive parents were on their way to the hospital to get me. They lied. They flat out lied. Why? Because if Bobbi and Eileen really knew that I was going to sit in foster care that they wouldn't have let me go? I don't know if that's the case but is that what drove them to lie? What drove them to lie when Bobbi tried to get me back from them? They told her it was too late and nothing could be done. I would think that ethically they would have to tell her she has 9 months. That's what they warned my parents about.

I just feel that Catholic Charities tried to play God with the entire situation. What makes me even more sick to my stomach is that I know I am not the only person out there that has the same story. I love them because they gave my mom and dad a baby, but I hate them just because they lied. Liars. Yes, Mary Smith was a liar. I know it's harsh but it's true. I know that Eileen wouldn't lie to me, I know. I believe her. So many inconsistancies even from them now.

So this is my last post about them. Never again will I mention my anger towards them. This is my release. It's gone now. But let me tell you one thing, if I ever run across Mary Smith don't expect me to keep my mouth shut. Don't worry, it'll never happen so no one needs to freak out. This is just my way to vent about my feelings. Breathe Rebekah. Okay. I'm much better.

Confusion

I am very confused. I cannot go to bed. I have so many questions and I don't have the answers. Patience will get them for me, I hope. I don't understand. I cannot grasp it. I hope light will be shed on it so I can feel okay. I mean I'll be okay no matter what, but I'm just at a loss. Why? Okay, then why didn't you do this or that? I promise I'm not going to be mad whatever the case may be. Just help me understand. Just be honest with me. When I thought I understood it all I realize I don't. Is it any of my business? I don't know. Part says yes and then part says no.

I am sure this post may have some of you just slightly confused. If so then you'll understand how I'm feeling right now. I need to go to bed but I just can't. I went in Mackenzie's room to sing her lullabyes per her request but she was passed out. Then Jackson woke up crying hysterically, that's not something he ever does. It took a little while to calm him down and then he fell asleep in my arms. How sweet it is.

I guess I need to head to bed. I'm sleeping in Jackson's room tonight. I can't say that I mind it. I will actually sleep well tonight. No one kicking me, no snoring. Ahhh... it's the life. Okay, I'm going to bed now. I'll probably dream about my confusion. I hope it's not to vivid. That, well, let's just say be too much for me. But maybe my answer will magically appear from my dream. Good night.

Shout Out to Jana

I know, how corny am I?

Okay... did all of you who read this (is there really that many? I doubt it) know that checking my blog for a new post is the equivalent of checking the online edition of The Montgomery Advertiser for the wedding announcements? It is, I promise. Just ask Jana. I totally agree with you on that one my dear friend!

I hope no one things I'm nutty because of this post, but it is so true! Love y'all!

I'm Running Out of Titles

I'm running out of things to put as titles on here. So last night Lee picked up Jackson from Candy's house and he already had Mackenzie since she was out of school yesterday. I went and got my hair cut and highlighted. Then I met Jana at O'Charley's for dinner. We rarely have the opportunity to eat dinner without the kids. It was really nice and refreshing. We were so hungry and I hadn't eaten a thing al day. It was a little after 8 when we finally were seated. They were crazy busy and all the restaurants have been this week. Apparently it's fall break in part of Alabama, Georgia and Tennessee. I hate tourists. They drive like they have no where to be or they have no idea where they are going and can't make up their minds where to turn. They wear the same Destin t-shirts that they've bought at the beach stores. They're so easy to spot in a crowd. It's kind of like the Chinese tourist with the camera and fanny pack around them. Speaking of that there was a lady with a fanny pack last night. Isn't that sooo 80's?

I got a copy of all of my records that the court had pertaining to my adoption. It was very odd. Odd because there was a copy of my original birth certificate. This one had the hospital in which I was born in. I've never seen that before. It also had a name. Not Baby Girl Mitchell like most adoptees would've been, but a name. Kily Rae Mitchell. Kind of odd. I wonder if this is what the foster parents of mine called me? I've always wondered what they called me. I guess most birth mothers never name their babies so that's why the birth certificates just list the gender and mother's last name.

In the paperwork was the Investigator's Report by Mary Smith. It's 6 pages long and talks about Bobbi and Brad but without names ofcourse. It then goes into detail about my parents. It's so funny because they go into detail about their siblings and parents. It even lists how much money my dad made back then and that the house was paid for by the church. It has their savings account information among other things. It even had that they owed $900 for furnishings. How cute. It also gave the height and weight of the birth parents and my parents. I was sick when it reads of my mom "In appearance, she is 5'4" tall and weighs 102 pounds." Ummm.. 102? I bet if you blew towards her she'd fall over. Doesn't it just make you want to hurl? Even today though she's still tiny.

I have to say I was blown away by some of the information in the paperwork. Well, not by a lot just one thing in particular. Other than that it all is what I knew to be. It's just weird looking at everything. I never in a million years thought I would see the original birth certificate and I never thought it'd have a name on it. I guess there won't be any more fun suprises like this paperwork. I don't believe there is anything left to see. Unless someone tells me Brad or Bobbi are aliens or something like that.

Confidence

"I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echos in every room
I would
That's what I'd do,
That's what I'd do to get through to you

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will"

A week ago this past Friday (Sept. 29) I was driving home from Mackenzie's soccer game. Lee had both of the kids with him since I had to stop back by my office and get all of the food I had bought for our block party the next day. I was enjoying listening to one of my favorite CD's I have burned. The entire way home I kept wondering why Bonnie, the intermediary, hadn't heard from Bobbi yet. We knew she would have gotten the letter Wednesday or Thursday at the very latest. At that moment I started preparing myself for the worst. What if no one ever wanted me to find them? What if I was this dirty little secret? The song above was on and even though it was written because of a girl, what I posted above is exactly how I had been feeling about my birth family.

Tears would slowly escape from my eyes one by one. Sadness crept over me. I was mumbling to myself that I just couldn't understand if no one wanted to know who I was. I started wondering what was wrong with me. But I knew deep down if no contact was ever made that it wasn't a reflection of who I am, but I couldn't help think those things. I had given myself pep talks and tried to prepare myself if the outcome was anything similar to my sister's. I tried to convince myself that I'd be okay if no one wanted contact. It was at that moment on that Friday night driving down the road by myself that I was honest with myself. I wouldn't be okay at first. I'd be extremely sad and disappointed, but one day would feel better about it all.

The next day was a whirlwind. I had organized our neighborhood block party and was getting ready for it all day. Between picking up the shrimp (and getting to watch them take their heads off) and cutting up 15lbs of chicken I didn't have a lot of time to think about any of the adoption stuff. I had even been so busy the day before I didn't even call Bonnie to see if my birth mother had contacted her. And this was very unusual for me.

The party was a great success. I slept like a baby that night. I got up early and fed the kids. Then I was off to clean the kitchen. That is when I received the phone call that would alter everything in my life from that moment on. It was Bonnie. Telling me she had spoken to the nicest birth mother. If you could have only heard me say "Is it mine? Is it? Bonnie... tell me, tell me". It was. She said she would be calling me in 5 minutes.

I was so excited I threw open my bedroom door and jumped on the bed with Lee to wake him up. I told him he had to get up and watch the kids because I got to finally talk with my birth mother. Bonnie was laughing and all smiles on the phone. I can't remember how I asked but she gave me her phone number and said if I didn't call her in 5 minutes she was calling me. I wrote it down. And then I remembered to ask the one question I had wondered the most all my life. "Bonnie, what's her name?" That's when I heard it, "It's Bobbi, B-O-B-B-I, isn't it just beautiful?" Yes it is.

Confidence, it has gotten me far in life. It has also gotten me where I now have these to amazing birth parents in my life. More on how it all came together with Brad.

ELMO!!!

Jana and I finally coerced Jackson into his Elmo halloween costume. He seriously picked it out at Target today. He even fell asleep in the car holding it. He hated it when we first put it on, but I think he finally realized it wasn't coming off until I took his pictures. Isn't he adorable?

Oh, and we're still looking for Kenzie's costume. I'll post pics once we've gotten it.

My Sister Elizabeth and More

I am so happy for my sister Elizabeth. Yesterday she got pictures from Samantha her biological sister. I know for her it has to feel just great to get them. She hasn't quite gotten the same outcome that I have, but I am so thankful she does have Samantha. A connection to her blood. I of all people can understand the need for that. Samantha lives in Wisconsin (what's up with all the northerners?) and I have no idea when either of them will ever be able to meet in person.

I don't know why but the past week edema has crept up in my ankles. I haven't had this happen since my pregnancies. Actually, it's been 2 weeks now. Off and on. Mom was here when it first happened and I checked my blood pressure with my machine but it was at 80. I thought for sure it would be blood pressure related. I know I need to go to the Dr. and see what may be causing it. I just hate it because I can feel the tightness.

Last night I called dad while watching the Georgia/Tennesse game. Ouch! It was a really good game, but I guess none of us got the outcomes we wanted yesterday (well, except for OSU, blah). Dad was trying to get Jackson to say "Go Dawgs!". I can't believe I actually encouraged it. Jackson was so adorable because he'd see a play on the field and then he'd take his arm and act like he was throwing a football. Sooooo cute! He couldn't quite get the "Go Dawgs!". I am a little relieved. We had mom and dad on speaker phone and Jackson kept the phone to his ear. We attempted grandmama and grandaddy, but he only could get out the mama.

I've already vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen. At some point today I'm taking the kids to get some fall clothes. Mackenzie got 2 cute outfits for her birthday and I need to find a pair of brown boots to go with them. Not the tacky raunchy looking kind on a 6 year old, but just short brown boots. I hate having to find her clothes b/c they all look so grown up on her. And besides the fact that every pair of pants we have to get altered. Not only does that at 15 bucks a pop get expensive but it's tiring. I personally like buying her 3/4 length shirts because I don't have to hem the sleeves.

I also need to go to the grocery store. Now to the average person who would look in my cabinets now I've got plenty, but I still need some things. I finally ran out of my $2 and $.89 diapers. Yes, my dirt cheap stock and the amazing stock I got last year for practically nothing is gone. I used the last one. Do you know it about killed me to pay full price for diapers? Now of course I had a coupon, but it was devestating.

On the way home yesterday Jackson started pointing to the water. He now says "wawa". He's a little behind in talking as compared to Mackenzie. I know I shouldn't be worried at all because he's saying more and more and Mackenzie ust did things so much earlier than most kids anyway.

Jackson woke me up snuggling this morning. Nothing is sweeter than snuggling with your little one. He was so cute and so soft. He kept saying "mommy" and it made my day. My neck has hurt the past 2 days but I know it's because of how I've slept. Between the 2 of them they drive me nuts at night. I get kicked off my pillow, my neck pillow and almost the edge of the bed.

I have yet to decide if this blog is a good idea or not. I mean I enjoy it, but I feel pity for anyone who reads it because it's long, yes, I'm long winded and full of ramblings. But it does make me feel better to get all my thoughts out. I'm going to go look at the grocery store ads and make up my lists for the day. I know I won't be leaving for a while, well, at least until after Lee leaves for work.

In Memory

You may be gone but you will never be forgotten. In the short four years I knew you, you showed me what unconditional love is. You also taught me how to one day be a great mother-in-law. We all love you and miss you Granny and Mama Jeanne.

Royal Flush

Royal = the migraine I have
Flush = cleaning the toliet gave me the migraine

thus Royal Flush - retarded I knkow

So Iwas flippng the channels around and "As Good as It Gets" is on right now. So I have come on in the middle of it. I remember bits and pieces of it, but not the entire movie. It'll be nice to watch it this time.

It's a sad day. Auburn lost. I'm still in mourning. I guess it just wasn't meant to be this year.

So I started cleaning our bathroom but Jackson woke up when Mackenzie started beating on the front door. It drove Buffett wild and that woke up Jackson. So I took a break from that. I played with the kids for a while. I finally went back and finished. I absolutely cannot stand cleaning products. They have always given me migraines. I just didn't think about it at all. So now I'm stuck with this throbbing pain.

I just finished feeding the kids. It's almost 7 and I hope that they will both go to bed at a decent time. Lee called a little while ago and he seems to be feeling better. I think I may try and go to bed early tonight. Oh, and I'm sure I'll be flipping back and forth between the movie and the Georgia game. Tomorrow I will have to leave the house. I go stir crazy if I don't get out. I've never been able to just stay home all the time. I'm one of those who has to get out and go. Today was not the day, but perhaps tomorrow. If I don't then I'll really go crazy.

Jumbled Thoughts

"IT"

It is really hard for me to explain how everything has been lately. I guess I am a little sad that I cannot share all of what I have gone through will him. He is dealing with so much now with his own mom's estate and working so much this week that I can't share EVERYTHING that has transpired. I want to oh so bad. I want him to know everything I've experienced this week. The emotions and the new relationships I have formed. I want him to be able to go through this with me. I love him. I want to share this with him. It may take time, but I hope I can finally share it all and he have the ability to listen and really see how important this is to all of us.

November will be a very hard month for him. November 22nd is his mom's birthday and Thanksgiving will be the first big holiday she has not been here for. I don't want him to hurt. I see his pain, I see it in his eyes, in his soul. He misses his "mama" more than anything in this world. I wish I could erase all of his pain, take it away and let me feel it. I have never experienced anything like this until now. It hurts. I can't imagine losing anyone in my family. I can't imagine the heart ache knowing you can't pick up the phone and they'll be there. Driving into their driveway... and no one answers the door.

I wish I could make it better. Maybe it'll just take time. Time, it's not easy to wait for.

"Different Strokes"

I'm making myself laugh by my little sub-titles. They're so stupid. I am still so shocked at how different my relationships are with Bobbi and Brad. I am not stupid, I expected them to be different, but I didn't expect the deeper thoughts, etc. to be with Brad. I guess for one reason he is a man, isn't that just so sexist? He was also barely 21 when I was born. I figured he would have been just some AF guy who was just so immature and even though I was a life, it wasn't ever really thought about or discussed. Wow, was I so suprised.

Brad reminds me a lot of my dad. I can talk politics (yes, I'm still not over someones Presidental vote in '04) and social issues with both of them. That is one thing I have always loved about my dad. I could talk to him about so many issues and politics. Dad is so well versed in so many areas. My favorite thing now is when I go to their house or when dad comes here and us just sitting on the couch talking politics, current events or just anything. I love that. I miss that. I wished we lived closer, but I won't budge and move back to Alabama.

I know where my memory for phone numbers comes from. Brad. It's so crazy! He could rattle off Maggie's and his phone number from Okinowa (sp?).

Totally different topic. I'm watching the weirdest video on VH1 right now. It's Nelly Furtado, Maneater. Yeah, I'm not digging that.

Mackenzie took Advil PM last night and it broke her fever. I went in there last night and she was sweaty and the fever had broken. She seems better this morning, but I'm not taking any chances. She's a little mad at me because I won't let her go to Colton's birthday party. I just want to make sure she gets better. Teeth. She's not going to have any if some don't start growing in or if she doesn't stop losing them.

Mackenzie has been answering the phone this week (she's a phone hog). She answered when Lee called, actually caller ID said The Back Porch, and she knew it immediately and answered the phone "hey daddy". So she answered the phone when Brad answered. I think she was amazed that he had the movie she has been wanting sooooo badly, "Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses". He has a little nieces who come over and watch the movies. I can't imagine having as many siblings as Amy and Maggie both have. And most of Amy's familiy lives near them and the kids come over to their house. I have a feeling I need to go out and buy her that movie today.

I spoke with Jed again last night. We too got into political and current events discussions. We even talked about the JFK conspiracy. We talked about a little bit of everything. He is such a strong young man. I know that I couldn't or just wouldn't be able to be as strong as him.

I'm out. I've gotta keep tabs on the diaper wipe swipper. If I'm not careful my entire stock will be gone. All 80-something tubs I have left. Yeah, if anyone ever wants to hear my bargain shopping experience with that it is so cool. Coupons. Brad does the coupon thing too. Oh... he is neat and organized. Yeah, that gene skipped me. Are Brad and mom related? Based on that they could be.

I'm out. Don't know where I am out to though. Oh, I will read the paper and look at the new CVS ad starting for tomorrow. I seriously get giddy when I get the ads a day early. Cukoo.... I know.

New Blog Spot

Several times I had started a blog, but I never really had too much to say, or at least nothing anyone wanted to hear. Since I have discovered that myspace.com will only keep xxx of blogs I have decided to post somewhere that they can be kept. It will be nice to have them to look back and reflect upon.

I have to say that my wrists are not hurting much anymore and my throat feels fine. I was so happy to talk to Matthew today and tell him my story of finding my birth family. It was just a little over a month ago that I found Matthew's birth mother for him. They met and it has turned out to be a wonderful and positive experience for all of them. I sweated through the entire thing, but it worked out well. Jessica and Matthew are going up to Franklin, TN in two weeks to meet Melanie's sisters and Melanie can finally meet Jessica.

I hate to admit this but I am dreading Mackenzie's game tonight. I hate it when the games are at 7:00. We don't get home until almost 9. Lee can't attend the game and it makes it hard on me. Jackson wants to run all over the fields and I am just worn out. I didn't get all of her stuff together before we left the house so after I pick them up we're going ALL the way home and then ALL the way back to Destin. I don't mind it because it helps me kill 2 hours. Mackenzie asked if I would get her some french vanilla ice cream. With her smile who can resist?

I didn't mention much about Jed yet, but now I'm feeling better. It was so great to talk with him. I spoke with his mom, Maggie, first and she was incredibly sweet. She was so easy to talk to and I am so thankful for her attitude. She knew about my existance from the start of her relationship with Brad. Jed got on the phone and I got to know a little bit about him. We didn't have too much time, but it was still a nice conversation. He will be 22 this month. He was a little shocked to find out about me, but it was in a good way for him. I can't wait to get to know him more. I am wondering if the tatoo gene just totally missed me. Every single one of the biological siblings have tatoos I think (well, I'm not sure about Kristan). I obviously did not receive the same tolerance for pain that the others have.

Jed lives in Iowa and I have no idea how he can stand it there. I think it's freezing at 40, that I can't imagine dealing w/ snow and other sub zero temperatures. I will not be visiting any one during the winter who lives in Ohio or Iowa. My body cannot and will not be able to handle it. I think I would go into shock. No, I know I would.

Lee was such a sweetheart and had lunch for me and Bonnie and I went to pick it up. I have not eaten dinner since Saturday night and I think I've only eaten lunch maybe 3 times this week. My appetite is feeling the effects of all of this excitment in my life. I was starving after I got of the phone w/ Tabitha last night but I couldn't find anything to eat that I didn't have to cook. There was no motivation. So I did my Sudoku puzzles and went to bed. I slept like a baby until Jackson decided to be ontopofmyheadjustlikethis. Mackenzie came in at some point and we all ended up on the same size of our king size bed. What is the point in having a king size bed if we all end up on one little sliver of the bed? Beats me.

My mom sent me an email today, it was short but it was so kind and meant the world to me. I love you mom, don't forget that no one or nothing will ever replace you, dad and Elizabeth. I love you more than anything in this world. Even though I have loved "meeting" my birth family and I like them, I would not change my life for anything. It has made me who I am today.

I would put more, but Mackenzie's after school program at the church just called and she has a fever of 100.9. She's got a headache. AND she lost another tooth. That girl has got to slow down. She sounded so pitiful but was so well mannered and said yes ma'am to me twice. So I'm off to get her and I hate to say this, but it got me out of her soccer game.