I Am Not Dead

Yes... I know it's been almost 4 months since my last blog but contrary to what you may think I am not dead. I've just been very busy and have not updated this thing. It has been hard to get back into the habit of blogging. I use to do it all the time. It was a great outlet for me and then life just got in the way. Perhaps if I start it back up I can use it as an outlet for my tension/stress/etc. Wait... tension? stress? Why in the world would I have any of that? I'm only raising 3 kids on my own right now. Should be stress free, right?

I started a new job in October and had to go out of town for a week. It was a long week going from California to Minneapolis and then back home. It was exhausting but it was fairly enjoyable and so far I enjoy the job I'm doing. I'm still on site at Wells Fargo but work as a rep for the title company. I have made so many friends in the past few months and have really enjoyed that aspect of it. It has kept me entertained during working hours and the occasional meet up with some of the girls.

In November a group of us went to the midnight premier of New Moon. Yes, we were crazy going out on a Thursday night but it was worth it. It was the first time I had been to the movies in probably 5 years or so. We all went out to dinner beforehand, waited outside in the cold until they opened the doors and watched the movie until almost 2AM. It was great! I definitely can't wait to do it again for the premier of the 3rd installment.

There have been 2 birthdays since I last posted. Avery turned 1 on November 14th and is growing so fast. She's practically running around the place and is still my sweet and content little girl. She tries to keep up with the older 2 and usually succeeds. Jackson turned 5 on December 21st and I can't believe how grown up he is. It makes me want to cry thinking that he'll start kindergarten this fall.

The day before Thanksgiving Jackson fell off the monkey bars at school and had to go to the hospital and received 8 stitches. He busted his chin wide open. He was a trooper though and I was so proud of him. His trip to the ER did make us late to Grandmama's for her birthday party but we did end up making it in time for the cake and presents.

Christmas was very busy but it was nice to be able not to have to travel. We spent Christmas eve at my parents house. This was the first year we were ALL together. And I do mean all. Our celebration included my parents, me, the kids, Elizabeth, Ben, Avonelle, Wilson and Grandmother. I'm talking a full house. Everyone was staying at mom and dad's except for us. It was truly wonderful though. The kids also LOVED seeing everyone all together. I wish we did it more often.

The big fat jolly mama brought the kids a Wii this year. I have to say it is probably the best gift they have ever gotten. I have to admit I do enjoy it a lot. We have spent a lot of fun family time playing it together. We typically bowl or play Mario Kart or end up doing both. It's been something that has brought us together. We needed that time. New Years Eve we stayed in and ordered pizza. Then we bowled on the Wii as if we were really at the bowling alley. We would get loud and obnoxious. It was great.

I have finally ventured out and have been participating social events. I went bowling one night with a huge group of people from work and it was a lot of fun. My job has consisted of supporting 350 some odd people in my site. I know the group of people on my floor but there are a lot I don't really know. The group I went out with were people who I correspond with frequently but never knew what they looked like, etc. I am really glad I went and was able to enjoy adult time.
Of course the first thing I did was whip out my phone and show off pictures of my kids. It seems no matter how far away I am from them they are always on my mind.

This past weekend I spent Friday out with a bunch of people from work. It was so much fun. More so than I really thought it would be. I have decided that taking a night off from the kids is actually doing both me and the kids a service. They LOVE the babysitter I use and beg to even spend the night. They are able to take time away from me and me them. Then when we are together again it's refreshing. It has taken me a long time to realize that. In the back of my mind I thought I was somehow neglecting them for doing so. It only makes me a better mom I think. We all need a break from time to time.

The 23rd of this month will be 1 year since I left Lee. It has been a very long time and a very long road to travel. I finally made the decision to file for divorce this past weekend. It's been a long time coming. I know we will never reconcile and there is no point in just staying married for whatever reason we are. I just need some closure to the entire thing.

I called Lee on Monday or Tuesday and mentioned this to me. He actually had the audacity to tell me that it was probably for the best. That one of the reasons he didn't want to reconcile is that there were certain needs of his I couldn't meet. I'm sorry? Seriously? I can think of a few off the top of my head.


The sad thing is sometimes I start blaming myself again for everything. I even broke down at work in someones office. I know it's not my fault but still. I just hope that Mackenzie, Jackson and Avery know years from now that I have loved them and given everything I have for them. That everything I've ever done is for them. If they realize that then I'll be okay.