10 Years is a Long Time

It’s been 10 years since I posted and so much has transpired. So much I don’t want to think about because of the pain. Most recently I tried to take my own life on July 27th. I should not be alive. When I was found I was bagged and wasn’t breathing when I got to the hospital. I was in ICU for 5 days total with 3 of them intubated. I spent 2 days in a regular ward and then 3 days in the mental ward.

 I have a massive blood clot in my arm that was so swollen and hurt so bad and it’d been punctured so many times I had to have a wristband to prevent people from touching it. My left arm I had no veins left. I damaged my lungs so much and I don’t know if it’ll get better. I ended back in the hospital on August 15  due I couldn’t breathe. My oxygen levels even with me on oxygen aren’t completely health. 

Let me be clear, mental ward does not get you the help you need. They don’t offer therapy to help you get to the root problems. They have a psychiatrist that comes by once daily for LITERALLY 15-30 seconds. They really listen to the nurses. Thank goodness I had a great one each day. Not everyone was lucky. I tried to get the help I needed before it went this far but our system is broken. 

I knew my mental health was declining earlier this year. I tried to ask my regular doctor to change my meds up. He didn’t want to yet because of other meds he was changing up. Ever since I was diagnosed last year with MS and I went through a dark period personally I haven’t been okay. I kept working but I was sick too many times to count and missed work. On at least 3 different occasions I would blackout for 2-3 days, remembering nothing. Due to my inconsistencies with work I lost my job. 

My car had stopped working in February so finding a job was next to impossible. I did apply for jobs but most never heard back from. I was over qualified but I would’ve done the job. I feel guilty for any resume I overlooked for being over qualified. 

I knew my mental health was struggling so I finally went to the local mental health facility. They’re so backed up my appt they gave me in June isn’t until Oct 19th. They have a crisis stabilization unit and I was finally able to get in there after 3 weeks. It’s usually for 2 weeks but I stayed for 3. It too is a joke. They have a psychiatrist but there is no true therapist. They have a therapist Title but don’t do anything to help. 

I had no money, was close to being evicted, had no food, no way to get around town. I called every single community resource for help and the ones I actually got through either had 4-5 month wait list or can’t help. I tried again today to see if anyone would help with a storage unit. As of tomorrow I have to be out and I have nowhere to put my things. 

I have a temporary place I can stay until my temporary long term plan is ready in 4 weeks or so. I shouldn’t complain and be grateful but it’s next to the projects and I know she’s on drugs but it really my only option. My plan is to have a drug/alcohol assessment done and lie and say I’m on drugs and I know certain drugs and types of uses are the top priority. I haven’t put a drug in my body in 4+ years and it’s not as if I did it every day and it was a fairly short while.  I know I’m doing what I have to but I hate lying about that just to get help. I’m still on a long waitlist. I am 2.5 months shy of being out of work for 6 months so I can apply for disability. The whole system is broken. I qualify for physical and mental health reasons but have to be without work for 6 months then another 5-8 months during the application process. Not sure how people are suppose to survive. 

I hadnt talked to my parents in over 2 years. This is because of the backhanded way and lies told regarding my kids. While I was in the hospital the 1st time coincidentally Mackenzie reached out to my biological sister that I haven’t talked to in years to see if she’d heard from me. Come to find out, per my dad’s text they were “concerned because people reached out to say I deleted my Facebook” page. Back in February I temporarily deactivated it. This is just another example of how my entire life was lived worrying about what others thought about me. That is the only reason they even decided to reach out. 
I truly believe my dad helped others but when it came to his own house he couldn’t handle when things weren’t perfect. Either the seminary didn’t teach a class on how to handle issues in your own home or else he skipped the class.  I do acknowledge I’m stubborn and headstrong but there’s more to me than that. They just didn’t see it. They also do not understand mental health issues and they have always in our family cut out anyone that doesn’t follow their biblical beliefs. 
When I was 17 they found out I’d been having sex with my long term high school boyfriend. Not only was I grounded from my first day of my senior year but all the way until January 1st. They also sent me to a Christian therapist at a Presbyterian church downtown to “see what was wrong with me” for having sex unwed. After our session she asked permission to tell them what we discussed. I had no problem with that and she told them nothing was wrong with me. What I did may not line of with their biblical believes but there wasn’t something wrong with me. 
I got pregnant at 19 out of wedlock. I was not the first or even second or third in the church to be like this. I told my dad and he was so disappointed in me he didn’t talk to me for 3 months. I remember finally breaking down and calling them because I was so sick with strep and I felt like I was dying. I still went to his church and he’d act like I wasn’t there. I’ll never forget one of my favorite people at the church went and talked to him. She reminded him how he told her to handle things when her daughter got pregnant years prior. 
When I was 28 and pregnant with Avery my husband at the time, Lee, physically assaulted me and during the attack I called my parents and they called 911 to my house in Florida. I asked my parents if I could move to Birmingham with them for just a little while because of the abuse and the answer was no. They did say they’d pay for Christian counseling for him and couple counseling for us. Please be aware that for the 7 years prior to then they were aware of the abuse not from just me but Jana. Before we moved to Florida she begged them to help me get out of it. After 1 month of counseling the therapist said Lee was better. Moved back to my house and in 2 weeks had a baby. When Avery was 3 months old he stopped only abusing me and brought it on the kids. Mackenzie went for help and he chased her with Avery in his arm and when trying to drag Mackenzie from the neighbors he tried to leap after her and Avery hit the pavement. I went into shock. Finally neighbor helped. Avery was taken by helicopter to Pensacola with a bleed on the brain. I called my parents from the ambulance and was so choked up I couldn’t speak and I’ll never forget my mom asking me “who did he kill”. If that’s your first thought why not help me if only for my kids. 
 My suicide attempt just further solidifies I won’t ever see my kids. That pain alone did play a party in it. As did the fact my family doesn’t want to be involved with me. He texted me after 2 years and said he wish he knew how to help me but they just can’t help me. I replied that one of the main things is support for my family. I literally have no one. He ignored that request and shut me down. 

My body is bruised so badly. My breathing is hard. I’m taking a shit ton of meds, way more than I usually do. My heart is so sad and just broken. I know Cody has helped more than anyone else would have but I’ve overstayed my welcome in his life and for that I really am sorry. 

I am also so sorry for all of the hurt and pain I caused Jana. I’d shut her out because I couldn’t handle myself. She’s the one person that’s loved me unconditionally. I’m so sorry for all the hurt and pain I’ve caused. 

To the 3 most beautiful creatures ever created in this world. Mackenzie, my oldest, I’m so sorry I didn’t do right by you. I wish I had protected you from an abuse marriage I was in and all you were exposed to. I’m sorry that after that I put too much responsibility on you. You didn’t deserve that. I’m thankful you are out of the same kind of relationship I was in. I love you and I know you’ll be a wonderful nurse one day soon. 

Jackson, my middle child and only son. You were a mama’s boy and I loved that so much. You are so incredibly smart, and I remember you starting a chess club at school and being in advanced math. Your teacher so impressed by you. I remember you wanted a dress sports coat to wear to church and to the mother/son banquet. You told me every single morning when I dropped you off at school that you loved me. You weren’t embarrassed and it meant the world to me. I haven’t seen you in way too many years and you need to know a day never went by that I didn’t think of you and my heart didn’t hurt missing you. I knew you were always so smart and the only info I’ve had shared with me is that you got a full scholarship and you are starting college now. I’m so proud of you and I never stopped loving you. 

Avery, my baby that isn’t a baby anymore. You and your blonde hair, blue eyes and one dimple. You are so beautiful. You loved sleeping with me every night and even though it drove me crazy at times I’d give anything for you to sleep with me again. You were sassy at times and I hope you haven’t lost your spunk but are still sweet. I hope you are kind and have a big heart. 

Elizabeth and Ben, thank you for taking care of my babies. For loving them as your own. For giving them a solid, safe and secure place for them to live. I don’t truly believe that I’m ever talked about and if so in a good way but please don’t let them ever think I didn’t love them. Please. 

Mac 'n Cheese

I spoke to my birth mother, Bobbi, for the first time in 5 years or so and one of the things she remembered me saying years before is that mac 'n cheese is a vegetable.  She laughed and disagrees with me.  I am still holding firm and I've got the t-shirt to prove it!

Reflections

I look back over the past 32 years and there are so many things I wish I could change and do over again.  Then there are things that although they weren't the right decisions I wouldn't change for anything in this world.  The different choices I have made over the years, and yes, even the wrong ones, have made me who I am today and when it's all said and done I am happy with who I am and what I've become.

There are still things that I wish I would have said or done that I either was too scared at the time or things didn't just happen the way I intended for them to.  I do have a few regrets but not many but those regrets I would I could have do-over days.  Recently I have had things put into perspective to me and I am reminded again of how fragile and precious life is.  We never know when it will be taken away from us.  My grandmother Godfrey will be 92 this month and has lived a very full and satisfying life. We don't all get that opportunity.

Those who are very close to me know that I don't handle confrontation or personal struggles or conflict very well.  I immediately want to shutdown and shut everyone out of my life.  It's my way of dealing with the pain and even the embarrassment of something I'm going through.  Time and time I again I shutdown.  It's not healthy but it's what I do.  I'm trying to handle things in a different way because I know that it only ends up hurting those who love and care about me.  Those who truly love me might get tired of listening to or having to be there for me over problems and some of those problems/situations might be recurring ones.  No matter how tired or frustrated they may get I know they would rather have been there for me rather than me push them away and go through things alone.  That's what family and friends and love does.  

Today say the things you want to say without holding back.  Reach out to those you feel disconnected from.  Call up a friend who you haven't spoken to because of some tiff.  You never know when it might all be taken away from you and those around you will never know how you really feel.

It's Been Almost 3 Years???

Wow!  I can't believe it's almost been 3 years since I last posted.  I really need to be more active in keeping up the blog.  So much has gone on I don't even know where to begin/.  I doubt anyone even reads this anymore so I'm part of me feels as if I don't have to be filtered on here.  Kind of liberating.

I do love looking back at previous blog entries and reading back on what I had written and what I felt at a certain time.  I am going to try and be more dedicated to keeping up the blog.  It'll be nice to have something to look back on.  I also really need to update the pictures of the kids!  

 

I Am Not Dead

Yes... I know it's been almost 4 months since my last blog but contrary to what you may think I am not dead. I've just been very busy and have not updated this thing. It has been hard to get back into the habit of blogging. I use to do it all the time. It was a great outlet for me and then life just got in the way. Perhaps if I start it back up I can use it as an outlet for my tension/stress/etc. Wait... tension? stress? Why in the world would I have any of that? I'm only raising 3 kids on my own right now. Should be stress free, right?

I started a new job in October and had to go out of town for a week. It was a long week going from California to Minneapolis and then back home. It was exhausting but it was fairly enjoyable and so far I enjoy the job I'm doing. I'm still on site at Wells Fargo but work as a rep for the title company. I have made so many friends in the past few months and have really enjoyed that aspect of it. It has kept me entertained during working hours and the occasional meet up with some of the girls.

In November a group of us went to the midnight premier of New Moon. Yes, we were crazy going out on a Thursday night but it was worth it. It was the first time I had been to the movies in probably 5 years or so. We all went out to dinner beforehand, waited outside in the cold until they opened the doors and watched the movie until almost 2AM. It was great! I definitely can't wait to do it again for the premier of the 3rd installment.

There have been 2 birthdays since I last posted. Avery turned 1 on November 14th and is growing so fast. She's practically running around the place and is still my sweet and content little girl. She tries to keep up with the older 2 and usually succeeds. Jackson turned 5 on December 21st and I can't believe how grown up he is. It makes me want to cry thinking that he'll start kindergarten this fall.

The day before Thanksgiving Jackson fell off the monkey bars at school and had to go to the hospital and received 8 stitches. He busted his chin wide open. He was a trooper though and I was so proud of him. His trip to the ER did make us late to Grandmama's for her birthday party but we did end up making it in time for the cake and presents.

Christmas was very busy but it was nice to be able not to have to travel. We spent Christmas eve at my parents house. This was the first year we were ALL together. And I do mean all. Our celebration included my parents, me, the kids, Elizabeth, Ben, Avonelle, Wilson and Grandmother. I'm talking a full house. Everyone was staying at mom and dad's except for us. It was truly wonderful though. The kids also LOVED seeing everyone all together. I wish we did it more often.

The big fat jolly mama brought the kids a Wii this year. I have to say it is probably the best gift they have ever gotten. I have to admit I do enjoy it a lot. We have spent a lot of fun family time playing it together. We typically bowl or play Mario Kart or end up doing both. It's been something that has brought us together. We needed that time. New Years Eve we stayed in and ordered pizza. Then we bowled on the Wii as if we were really at the bowling alley. We would get loud and obnoxious. It was great.

I have finally ventured out and have been participating social events. I went bowling one night with a huge group of people from work and it was a lot of fun. My job has consisted of supporting 350 some odd people in my site. I know the group of people on my floor but there are a lot I don't really know. The group I went out with were people who I correspond with frequently but never knew what they looked like, etc. I am really glad I went and was able to enjoy adult time.
Of course the first thing I did was whip out my phone and show off pictures of my kids. It seems no matter how far away I am from them they are always on my mind.

This past weekend I spent Friday out with a bunch of people from work. It was so much fun. More so than I really thought it would be. I have decided that taking a night off from the kids is actually doing both me and the kids a service. They LOVE the babysitter I use and beg to even spend the night. They are able to take time away from me and me them. Then when we are together again it's refreshing. It has taken me a long time to realize that. In the back of my mind I thought I was somehow neglecting them for doing so. It only makes me a better mom I think. We all need a break from time to time.

The 23rd of this month will be 1 year since I left Lee. It has been a very long time and a very long road to travel. I finally made the decision to file for divorce this past weekend. It's been a long time coming. I know we will never reconcile and there is no point in just staying married for whatever reason we are. I just need some closure to the entire thing.

I called Lee on Monday or Tuesday and mentioned this to me. He actually had the audacity to tell me that it was probably for the best. That one of the reasons he didn't want to reconcile is that there were certain needs of his I couldn't meet. I'm sorry? Seriously? I can think of a few off the top of my head.


The sad thing is sometimes I start blaming myself again for everything. I even broke down at work in someones office. I know it's not my fault but still. I just hope that Mackenzie, Jackson and Avery know years from now that I have loved them and given everything I have for them. That everything I've ever done is for them. If they realize that then I'll be okay.

It's Getting Cold! Brrrrrr...

Friday morning Mackenzie left the house for the school bus and she came back in telling me it was freezing outside and she needed a jacket. I made sure the other 2 kids were in blue jeans and a long sleeve shirt but didn't worry too much about it because it'd be a little chilly then warm up. Wrong! I think the high was 54 on Friday. It was ridiculously cold. It hit all of the sudden without any warning. The weather had already been dreary and nasty this month any way. Through the 15th it rained 13 out of the 15 days. I am so sick of the rain. It also keeps the kids inside and they don't get all of their energy out.

I think in my last post I might have mentioned how my office is being shut down. I have a new job that I start a week from tomorrow, on the 26th. My office will be onsite at the Wells Fargo building but I will be working for the title company who handles all of their title work. I am the liason between the two companies. This company handles all of the title work, subordinations, etc. for the HARP loans (these are loans that the government enacted that there is no qualifying and you can borrower up to 125% of your houses value). Right now there are 20,000 applications in process in the Birmingham office. That is a LOT of loans!

I fly out next Sunday to Los Angeles to the title company's main office for training on their software. I will then fly from there to Minneapolis on Wednesday to sit with the girl at that office who does what I will be doing. I then will fly back home that Friday. I have to admit I'm more excited to go to Minneapolis because I will be able to meet face to face the underwriters I have been working with since June. There are 6 of them up there that work on our loans. I am most excited to meet Scott and Paul. They have always done the best jobs and are easy to get along with.

I will be sad to be leaving the kids for the week but I doubt they'll miss me too much. Jackson was so excited when I told him I was leaving because he can't wait to go to Grandmama's. My poor mom is going to be worn out but I am so thankful and fortunate to have her and my dad to help me. If it wasn't for them I couldn't do this. I am nervous about flying. I hate flying and especially such a long flight to LA but I'm sure the Xanax will help some of the nervousness.

Mackenzie got her first report card of the year and she had 3 A's and 2 B's. I am so proud of her. Her conduct was good and her other social skill areas were all perfect. She is such a smart, caring and just all around wonderful child. She is amazing! This is Jackson's first year in a learning environment and it's only been since the last week of August since he's been in the pre-k program. I was really concerned about him being behind because of this but he has really done a great job. He's learned the Pledge of Alligiance, ABCs and he came home spelling his last name. It was really cute. He recognizes a lot of the letters and can tell you what things or people's names that go with them. I know he's 4 and should already know a lot of this but I am so proud of what he has learned in the past 8 weeks.

Avery isn't reciting her ABC's yet but she is all over the place. Besides her very toothy smile now she is standing up on her own and walking all over the place while holding onto the side of the bed, couch or our hands. Just last week I was on the phone with my dad and looked at her in the bathroom and she flipped the laundry basket over and then started pushing it across the tile as her own personal walker. She'd get to one end of of the bathroom and start pushing to the other side. I thought it was so neat how she just did that on her own. She is still such a good, calm and happy baby. I cannot believe she turns 1 next month. Time has flown by!

The kids and I spent last Saturday with Lee. We all went out to lunch and then went bowling. Lee does not like to bowl but he knew how much the kids wanted to go (oh okay, and me too!) and he obliged. Even he ended up having a good time. It was Jackson's first time bowling and he had a blast. Mackenzie was pretty darn good too. The kids and I all had a great time seeing Lee. He was very clear headed and looked good. He seemed to enjoy them too. He held Avery quite a bit and seemed to really savor the time.

Even though I thought he looked good I still couldn't wonder in the back of my mind if he really looked sober or if I just couldn't tell. For so long I was fooled that I have a hard time knowing the truth. My dad had a meeting out past Lee's restaurant last week and he stopped by there for breakfast. Dad said that Lee looked real good to him and he sat down with him for a bit. He said he really enjoyed talking to Lee. I talked to Lee later and he said that it was good to see my dad. Let's be honest the only people Lee sees are those from work. He has no parents left and to my knowledge hasn't seen his sister. I know my parents aren't his own family but I hope seeing my dad helped him. I just can't imagine not having anyone around me that I was close to.

So that's all that's been happening around here. Things are pretty dull and boring. It's the same routine day in and day out. We're happy and healthy and very blessed. This weekend last year I was in the hospital for the 1st time during the pregnancy. I had been taken by ambulance to Pensacola. It wouldn't be until that Monday at midnight that Lee came to pick me up. I was scared out of my mind. I was 29 weeks pregnant and they had given me the 2 steroid shots to develope Avery's lungs. My Dr. didn't think I was going to make it through the weekend without giving birth. I did though. All of those ups and downs and I have a perfect daughter. God is so good.