The Waiting Game

Well it's a waiting game. I can't stand this. So I went to the Dr. on Tuesday and met w/ the nurse for an hour to go over my entire medical history. I have to say it was a lot easier to not know my biological medical history. I could just say "I don't know I'm adopted". Now I've got to think about everything. Let's see, well so and so has HBP, wait, so does so and so. She finally stopped me after I named 3 people. It's apparent I have been doomed for the HBP. Then I finally thought about the spina bifida. OMG, what if it is on Brad's side and not Maggie's. Could this baby end up with it?

Then I go to the Dr. on Wednesday (yesterday). Well they only found the sac on the u/s. It only showed me measuring 5w2d. So... it's one of 3 things. Either the u/s is off and it just isn't showing up or I ovulated late and Lee's swimmers stuck around a long time or I'm going to miscarry/already have. So I had a blood test done to check my hCG levels and progesterone. I went to the lab today and my hCG is 1869. It should be quite higher, but it isn't cut and dried. My progesterone test didn't come back today. I'm so frustrated. I'll more than likely have to go back for another blood test tomorrow. My hCG is suppose to double every 48-72 hours.

I'm just in complete shock. I don't want to lose this baby. Yes, I'll admit the beginning was oh my shocking and I freaked out but it's so different now. Then I think well is it because I was so upset in the beginning or was it the xray of Jackson's that I didn't cover up for or was it the steroid shot for the strep throat. Was it this or that. What's worse is if it is a miscarriage then they'll have to do a D&C since it is not coming out on it's on. I really don't want that.

I love being a mother. Nothing is sweeter than hearing your kids call out your name and wanting to hug you or pick them up. I cannot imagine life without my children. They are the joy of my life. I can't imagine not waking up next to Jackson and picking up Mackenzie from school and watching Jackson fish off the side of my bed. My life wouldn't be complete with out them. I guess I can't imagine a mom not raising her kids but at the same time I guess some women aren't made for motherhood.

I want this baby. I want him or her more than anything in this world. I see the excitment of Jackson and Mackenzie. I see how excited Lee is now. My views changed. I don't want this to be over. I want to fight for this. Alas I am powerless. I cannot fight, atleast where it would change the outcome. The future has already been decided but I am in the dark for now. I just sit and wait. It's not easy but I wait.

Lee is off on Saturday and I will put up all of the Christmas decorations. The kids are super excited about that. I am too. I'll drink my spiced tea and sing Christmas carols. I'll enjoy every moment of it. I'll put aside my worries and emerse myself in Mackenzie and Jackson. I'll savor every moment with them. I make them hot chocolate (okay, chocolate milk if the weather doesn't cool down). We'll have fun.