Deletions

I posted on here last night but then removed the post. It was more of a rant and it got all of my frustrations out. I feel much better writing it. I decided that at this time it is not necessarily appropriate to post and I will wait until after the wedding has passed.

My life in the past week has been crazy. I am telling you my life is more like a soap opera (without the steamy sex) more than anything. When I can get a few moments I will post some of the happenings over the past week. It's been a bumpy ride.

This Crazy Life

Yes, my life is crazy. I can't help it but craziness ensues where ever I go. I have had a pretty eventful past 2 weeks. Let us see. I had my gallbladder taken out. Then the Saturday after that I had to drive down to Florida to pick up a check that I was suppose to have been told was sitting there for me but oh no, the ignorant advocate never called me, I digress. So Jana rode down with me, Jackson and Avery. At some point during the trip I got a huge hematoma about an inch from my lower stitches. I had shown Jana my incisions earlier in the day since she had the same surgery. Then while going to the bathroom later in the day I noticed a baseball sized hematoma. It was so gross looking. I have to admit I was slightly worried.

When we stopped to in Troy for a bathroom break on the way back my nose started bleeding. It was pretty much uncontroable. Jackson was scared of me and Jana was grossed out. She ended up going in to the gas station and buying paper towels and tissues for me. Finally after 20 minutes or so it stopped. I was beginning to wonder if I'd need to make a trip to the ER.

Yes, only me. Only me. Things were pretty subdued until Lee got sick almost two weeks ago. He kept going to the ER for his knee and he had a bad stomach bug. They drained his knee once from the fluid build up and he has an appointment with an orthapedic doctor in two weeks. Then Monday night at midnight he called me saying he had been throwing up all day still after over a week and he couldn't stop. He had an ambulance come to the hotel because he said his arms were numb.

I drove with Avery to the hospital in Alabaster. First of all if you ever need an ER please do not go to the Shleby County Baptist Medical Center in Alabaster. I had not seen him for almost 2 weeks and to be honest I wasn't sure how sick he really was and if he was playing games or not. I was wrong about any games being played. He was the sickest I have ever seen him. I feel so guilty because I gave him a really hard time when i first got there. While we waited for the Dr. he continued to throw up. His body would start cramping up and he just looked awful. He also looked like he had lost some weight.

I got there around 1:30 and he had been there for an hour or so. By 2 there was no Dr. and he was so pitiful and continuing to throw up. I stepped outside the room to ask for some anti-nauseau medicine for him but they told me we had to wait for the Dr. Okay, it was a small hospital and I only saw 3 other patients there. This was ridiculous but I was told he'd be next. As I was talking to the nurse I saw a nurse/Dr. in khaki scrubs that were very tight fitting and tucked in. She was around 60 and had very long gray hair in a ponytail. Then I noticed her feet. She had on very thick black socks and really really high heel shoes. She was a sight to see. If only I could have covertly taken her picture.

The Dr. finally comes to the room at 3:15 and it was none other than the black sock, high heel wearing lady. I am glad I made the decision to be there for him. He was so out of it that he forgot to tell her somethings that I brought up. His throat was so swollen from the acid that burned his throat that he couldn't talk real well. He didn't even mention his throat until she asked him if it hurt. He had burned it from the acid and then had a secondary infection on top of that. His body was cramping from the lack of potassium. As she was leaving I mentioned the numbness he had been having in his legs for a week and then his arms that night. She said she suspected it was due to low electrolytes.

She said that they would put another bag of IV fluids in his arm (he had already had one from the paramedics) and it would probably be at least two or three bags since he was so dehydrated. She said that would take a while and the electrolyte test. I decided to go back home and told him to call me when they were finished with him and I'd take him home. That was the whole reason I went up there in the first place. I got home around 4:15 and was exhausted. Thankfully Avery was awake most of the time at the hospital and so she slept like a baby. We slept until 10:40 and Jackson did too.

Lee got the rest of his test results back. His liver tests came back funny but she said it was probably due to the dehydration. His Hepatitis test came back positive that night. She didn't think he had it and once of the meds he was taking causes false positives. He got those results today and it's negative. He can finally go back to work tomorrow. He has been taking Zofran, phenergan and some other drug to supress vomiting. The Zofran works wonders. He was given Z-pak for his throat and some other antibiotic. It seems that it was just a viral infection. Similar to the one I had back during Mackenzie's birthday part in '07. Yeah, the one that lasted for 2 weeks. It was hell.

So the morning after the ER visit I got up and was going to get ready for my haircut appointment. Elizabeth was going to ride with us and then we were going to run errands with her. When Jackson got up he kept complaining about his head. He said it hurt and his "brain hurts too". He and Avery had had a cough since Monday morning and on Monday Avery had a really high fever too. It was gone by Tuesday morning though. We were having to leave the house in 20 minutes and I'm on the phone w/ Avery's Dr. confirming her appointment on Thursday (today) and Jackson is in the bathroom throwing up everywhere. It was so awful.

Thankfully he had been drinking a ton of water that morning because of his throat and had only one cup of milk. I had to clean it up and it was some kind of nasty. Lee was always the throw up cleaner-upper. I thought it was from the congestion and I still think I'm right about it. He took a bath and felt much better so we still went to get my hair cut. Elizabeth stayed in the car with the kids. Let me just say I love this girl, she also cuts Elizabeth's hair. She knows how to thin out hair just right and does a great cut.

I get in the car and we're headed to run errands but Jackson wakes up and says his brain still hurts. On the way from the Summit he throws up. It was so lovely. We go home and I take his temp. It was 102.6. He gets a place on my bed to take a nap. I call my mom to pick up some Tylenol for him. In the meantime Jackson, Avery and I take a nap. Mom finally gets home 3 hours later and his temp is close to 103. I wake him up to take the Tylenol. 2 1/2 hours into it his temp is only down to 101.6. He takes some more through the night and started feeling better late yesterday.

So today was Avery's 6 month check up. She has this barking cough as does Jackson so while she was there he saw the Dr. too. They have croup and are starting to get over it. He said it should last 4-5 more days but the fevers should be gone for good. Avery now weighs 13lbs 13oz and is 25 inches. She grew 1 inch and 15ozs in one month. I thought he told me last time that her even though she was a premie that she didn't have an adjusted age but I was wrong. He looks at her as only being 4 1/2 months for the purposes of growth and skill wise. He said she should be sitting up around 7 1/2 months. She is trying now though. She'll sit in her boppy and lift her head up and try to work her muscles in her stomach to sit up but she can't quite get it.

I really hope and pray that Lee stays well and the kids get better. I also hope I don't get sick. Elizabeth's wedding is next Saturday. Tomorrow night we have her bachelorette party. It's just her and the 4 bridesmaids going to hibachi. I have no idea what else we will do but I can't stay out late. It's not in me. Then Saturday morning we have her lingerie shower. It's going to be a full weekend and God bless my mom for watching the kids. I know she has so much on her but Elizabeth begged her because she wanted to me to be there. It's a slumber party so it's a lot on my mom. I just hope I survive it. I'm too old to do anything crazy.

Avery has finally drifted off to sleep next to me. Last time she got a high fever from the shots but this time we gave her the Tylenol at the Dr.'s office. She didn't get a fever but has been really cranky today. I hate it for her but the immunizations are well worth it. People to don't immunize their kids are nuts. The guy I worked with in Destin didn't belive in it. He and his wife didn't immunize any of their 4 kids. I thought it was nuts. I mentioned it to the Dr. today and he said that they couldn't be patients at their office because they don't accept patients unless they have their immunizations. He said more and more Dr.s are doing that. Good for them.

I guess I better try and get some sleep. It seems every time I turn around I'm not getting enough sleep. Oh oh oh. There is something fun I did that I didn't write about. Jana came up last Saturday to see us. The kids and I were so happy to see her. We went to dinner with her, Elizabeth and Sarah (Elizabeth's best friend and the maid of honor). Then we went to the Gap to return things, to find Mackenzie a new bra and to look around. We ended up staying there for 2hours. It was crazy. She ended up spending the night. We had a blast watching Justin Timberlake on SNL. It was like old times. I missed us doing things together while she was living in Virginia. I'm so thankful we got to spend that time together.

Well I'm for real going to bed now. Good night and if you made it all the way through thanks for reading all the mundane details of my life.

What a Week!

My week was never suppose to turn out to be crazy but alas how things change so quickly. Wednesday was my wonderful surgery to have my gall bladder removed. My sister dropped me off at the hospital around 7:40 and then the fun began. I have had my fair share of surgerys and anethesia over the years for minor procedures. I've always been told not to wear my contacts but I've always told them I'd really rather not take them out, etc. and they've always said okay. Not this place. I had to take my contacts out and it was awful. I didn't have my glasses with me and I couldn't see a thing. Thankfully though I took them out 5 minutes before they knocked me out.

The wonderful sleepy Dr.s came in my room and told me that they were going to give me something to make me relax. Ummm... it did more than make me relax. I didn't come to until an hour after the surgery was over. I thought I'd be knocked out after I was in the operating room but I guess they do it differently at this hospital. I don't remember much except making sure that they had called my mom to pick me up. Oh and the first thing I did after putting my clothes back on was going to the bathroom to put in my contacts. Ahhhh to see again.

Mom was great and was downstairs in the car. She took me to get my pain meds filled (praise the Lord for whoever invented pain meds) and got me some ginger ale. She was a life saver. I got home and fiddled around and then went upstairs to bed. I still can't lie on my stomach or even my side. I had to lie directly on my back. If I moved to the side it felt as if everything was sliding over to the side inside my stomach. Thankfully that feeling has subsided. It did make feeding Avery the first few time difficult.

Yesterday when I woke up I felt so much worse than I did the day before. I guess it takes a little time for your body to full realize what you have done to it. It is much better today thank goodness. My back is very sore and I think it's because I have been sitting a certain way or holding my stomach in a certain position due to the pain and it's in turn effected my back. Other than that everything is A Okay!

The very fun part about the surgery was my souvenier. They gave me the largest gall stone they removed for me to keep. How fun! I had forgotten to ask the Dr. to save me one so I'm glad they did it for me. Dad was totally grossed out by it. I have to say it does look gross. It is also very large I was told. I can't imagine that getting stuck in my bile duct or anywhere else for that matter. It looks like a mini meatball. It has a bit of a grease residue because it is made up of cholesterol and things like that. Yes, I've totally ruined your appetite haven't I?


Tomorrow I am heading down to Florida to pick up my relocation check. I have received money from the state to help me with my moving expenses. I was informed today that Lee is having to pay it back as restitution to the state. I don't know how I feel about that. I think he'd have to pay the $1500 as a file or restitution no matter if I took the money for myself or not and it would go into the Attorney General's vicitim's fund. So either way he'd be paying it so I have to tell myself not to feel guilty for taking it. It's benefiting me and the kids and helping us get a place of our own.

I am very conflicted about this entire process. I am so confused about what I really want and what I don't want. It's hard for me to make any decisions right now. So much of my life I am not in control of right now and to be honest I'm okay with it. I just hope that when this long process is said and done that no one will ever be hurt again, emotionally, mentally or physically. There is a part of me that says it will never happen again but I said the same thing for so many years and it did. When the process is done and I'm told that I have to allow so much time with the kids and him how will I ever feel comfortable enough with it? How will I be able to wait the time out without thinking that something could happen if he snaps again. Those are my fears. They are very real.

I've been told that he's a different person. He's getting help and he sees the way now. How is this time different? How and why should I believe him this time? He said all of the same things to me after I left him while I was pregnant with Avery. He promised he had stopped drinking and therapy was doing good for him. Then a few months later he tells my mom that they therapist was an idiot and come to find out he was still drinking a lot. He then snapped and came within inches of taking my baby from this world. How can I ever believe that it's different this time? Can I really trust another therapist, pyschiatrist or DHR social worker to tell me it's all okay now? I don't think I can. No matter how badly I want to have faith in him it's too hard because I am having to trust my childrens lives on it. It's not worth the gamble.

So I'm conflicted. I have so much pain and confusion from all of this. I truly want him to be happy, healthy and a good father. I want him to feel the same happiness I feel. I want him to be able to look outside and see the beauty in things and not all of the negative things out there. I want him to know what true happiness is. Or maybe it's too late and he'll never know those things. I don't know. What sucks about all of this though is I am having to rely on other people to tell me when everything will be okay when at the end of the day I don't think they really know for sure that it will be.