Time of Year

I just love this time of year. It's yet to begin cooling off much but I love when it starts to cool down and more than anything I love the football. It's as if I come alive again during football season. I still feel this way without a man in my life so it just wasn't a man's influence on me to love the game and oh how I do. I have really enjoyed the last 4 weeks of college ball and even more so pro football. My teams are doing great on both sides so I'm happy.

I don't think I've posted since they told us on the 14th that corporate is shutting our entire office down. November 16th is the last day they are open. My assignment with the compay will end in the next week or two. I have been searching up and down and everywhere for a job but there aren't many to be had. There is an opportunity that has been mentioned to me and I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. It would be a job that I'd love and the people I'd be working with are great. It's almost like a dream job these days so I'm just waiting on some boulder to fall on top of it and take it away from me.

My life lately feels as if every time something goes right the rest goes wrong. The one thing I have in my life to makes things better are the kids. Mackenzie turned 9 on the 19th. Lee called me a few days before her birthday and wanted to take her out to dinner. So he showed up on that Friday and we all had dinner. He did a pretty good job picking out her gifts and even picked up her cookie cake for me. Mackenzie and Jackson really enjoyed seeing him during dinner and I know it meant a lot to him. He looked good and clear headed. It almost felt like a normal dinner for us. I just know it's not.

Overall Mackenzie had a great birthday. She got to see her dad and got everything she could've wanted. Lee got her a pretty cool purple slide phone and I got her a Zune. He also got a cute watch and an Auburn bracelet. She was very content. I had also gotten her the Hannah Montana movie so last Saturday morning we all watched it together. I have to admit it was really cute. It didn't hurt that Hannah's love interest was really hot. Then I felt dirty for thinking a guy who's 19 in real life is hot. I'm getting oh so old.

Avery had decided that since she waited so long to have her teeth come in that she was going to have them all come in at once. The pretty lady has 6 teeth coming in right now. Five of them broke this week and the other one a few weeks back. She's usually so good natured and rarely cries but this week she's slept a little more often and has been a tad cranky. I don't blame her though. If I had 6 teeth coming in I'd be worse than she is.

Avery had truly been a God send to me and the other 2 kids. Through out all of this she has been a wonderful distraction from the bad. She's so darn cute and little that she keeps us laughing. Mackenzie loves doting on her and they both love spending time with her. I have always said that the best time of day for the kids is when they first wake up. Yesterday morning she woke up all sleepy and her hair was a mess but she had the cutest smile on her face. Jack and Mack came in and were all tired too. I just loved every moment of it. I love the morning time with the kids.

For a moment while typing this I thought that today was Saturday. I really don't want to go back to work yet. I'm still tired. I enjoy going to work but at the same time since the announcement shutting the office down it's been very morose. It's just so odd have 60+ people working their butts off and for what? It's all being taken away from everyone. It's really got to be hard for those that have worked in the office for years. I hate it for all of them.


I've had a little bit of a hard time latley thinking about my life and they way it should of or could of been. The only reason I would never change it is because of the 3 wonderful kids I have but that's just about the one reason I wouldn't chnage it. I have sat trying to figure out why I didn't date a guy who I was friends with and kind of dated before Mackenzie and then after I had her. He liked me for who I was. It didn't even bother him when I was pregnant with Mackenzie. Heck, when he came to my house to pick me up in the middle of the night to get a prescription he told the people at the pharmacy he wished he was the father. This is a guy who visited me in the hospital the day after she was born. A guy who called to check up on us. He took me to the movies when she was around 4 weeks old. I still remember driving to my parents house to take Mackenzie to them.

I blew him off. I never would listen to him compliment me or when he talked about things seriously I didn't want to her it. I didn't think that he really wanted anything serious to start up when he took me out after Mackenzie was born. Part of it is because I've always had such low self-esteem and the other reason is I thought because I had Mackenzie out of wedlock that I didn't deserve to be in a relationship with anyone. Part of me wishes I had never had lunch with him a few weeks back. He brought up through out the lunch how he tried to pursue me and I shot him down and how much he really liked me back then.

It's hard to hear because I feel for the first time in my life that there is someone who liked me for me. I never felt that with Scott. All he wanted to do was constantly change me. He berated me for being over weight and constantly put me down. Pyschically I know that Lee loved my body how it was and I always felt so comfortable with him but relationship wise it was always so screwed up. I know it's been 9 years but hearing from a guy who says these wonderful things about you is hard. It makes me wish I had done things differently except for the fact of my kids.

I am not near ready to date and don't think I will be for years because of my kids but I just truly wonder if there is every going to be someone out there for me. Someone that loves my deranged humor, my laugh and is okay with my fuller figure. It just is all depressing some times. I just can't think about the past. It just eats me up sometimes.