To Put it Plainly... Life Just Sucks

Seriously, just when I thought the chaos in my life couldn't get any worse or any more chaotic but I was oh so wrong. Dead wrong. My life is like a bad nightmare that I try to wakeup from but I wakeup every morning and everything is still the same. Now I am sure people have it a lot worse than me but sometimes I wonder how much more I can take of it all.

The week of the wedding I was really wishing I had not turned down the Wells Fargo job a few months back. I don't know why I turned it down except for the problem of daycare which to be honest I hadn't looked in to too much at the time. The next morning after wishing I had taken the job I got a phone call from another recruiting agency for them asking me if I would be interested in a job with Wells Fargo. I told them yes and the process began again. I interviewed the Thursday before the wedding over the phone with the manager and on Friday they offered me the job. Now I am sitting waiting on my background check to come back. I know it will be okay because they ran one before when I was offered the job but they have to do it again because it's a different recruiting agency. So I'm waiting and should know something by today.

So I look in to daycare. Holy cow! It is way more expensive than I thought. For Jackson and Avery it's $1525 a month!!!! That's absolutely ridiculous. After taxes I would be paying out more in daycare than bringing home. I have to find my own house so I have been looking like crazy. Just when Jana and I decided to try living together and we found the perfect house for us (it had a full basement apartment with a kitchenette) everything goes crashing around me.

Sunday after church I was suppose to take the deposit over to the owners of the house. Well I can say that did not happen. My phone began rining around 5:30am and it was Lee. I muted the ring and did not answer it. He called again around 6:30 and I knew something had to be wrong. It was more wrong than I ever imagined. He was wasted. Beyond wasted and wanting help and to go to rehab. He had gotten ahold of his sister, Macie, before he did me. He was wanting help and incoherent all at the same time. It was so sad.

I will spare everyone the really sad details of the entire adventure of me going to pick him up, helping him clean his hotel room (and trust me I'm sparing you from vomiting over you computer keys because it was awful) and getting him to rehab. Did I want to do all of this for him. Yes and no. You see he really doesn't have anyone left in his life. Both of his parents are gone and his sister has her own life and it's easier for her without him. So it was either I take care of it or just let him waste away. So I did it. This is it for me. The end of the road.

I cannot continue to every Sunday be taking him to the ER for illness, picking him up from the mental ward where he detoxed and was given anti-depressents that he so badly needed. I cannot handle anymore talking to him and knowing something isn't right. I know he needs me but I am emotionally and physically drained from all of this. I don't want anyone to ever question me again about why I don't want alcohol in my house. Why I don't like being around people drinking. I have been questioned about this before and I couldn't explain why but I just didn't. I was told it was because I didn't grow up around alcohol and I was intolerant. Well I have a good reason. My husband is an alcoholic. It was singlehandedly destroyed not only his life but mine and sadly our kids.

I am having a hard time dealing with the emotions of all of this. I am so pissed off at him. I feel sorry for him. I am done with him. I can't handle having to worry about him taking another drink again. I sit back and realized that it's a disease and an illness yet I still think that it's still his fault because he should have never had the first drink. This is the reason I've said I don't like drinking because you never know when you will become an alcoholic. I've also said I didn't think that drinking was wrong but if done in moderation. I hate alcohol and what it has done to my family.

On Sunday when we arrived at Bradford in Warrior, AL it was a very nice and serene facility. It was in the country and in the middle of the woods and was hilly. It reminded me of Shocco Springs, a camp we use to go to for choir camp when I was a kid. The lady I had spoken to earlier in the day was so nice. She met with us in the conference room. They had a nurse come in and take his BP and make sure he was stable enough to be there. They did a breathalyzer on him. It was around noon and he blew a .27 and he hadn't had a drink in over 12 hours. When I got to his hotel room I found an almost empty bottle of vodka that he had drank the night before.

I have to say I was partially relieved that he was that drunk. I had no idea how drunk he was. How much of it was an act, laziness or him being drunk. It still doesn't excuse him. I was suppose to get his car keys so I could get his clothes out and bring them back up to him but I forgot to get them before I left. So yesterday knowning he had been in the same clothes since Sunday I went to Wal-Mart and bought him new boxers, shirts, a pair of shorts, socks and tolietries. Avery and I took them up there to him yesterday along with some paperwork from Cracker Barrel.

Yes, I called his EAP program at work and asked them what I should do since he was there and incapable to make phones calls and decisions about work on Sunday. They sent me to benefits and I got the ball rolling for his medical leave and short term disability. I took it to him yesterday with his clothes. He seemed more clear headed than he had in months, probably years. It's hard for me to feel any emotion towards him though. I still feel disappointment and disdain towards him. He takes full responsibility but somehow that's not enough.

It is also hard because alcoholism isn't something to get over. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. I am going to spend the rest of my life wondering if he's drinking again. Wondering if when he gets visitation if he's driving around drunk with them. It's sad. My kids are innocent in all of this and are suffering from it.

So because of all this and the uncertainty of his job and the money he was giving me I could not put the deposit down on the "perfect" house. I cannot see how I can afford to make it. The only way I was going to be able to was if Jana and I split a place. Now it's even worse. My parents who were, I'm sure, relieved that we were moving out now have to deal with us a little longer. The kids who were so excited to have their own place again will now have to "suffer" through living here (they so love the neighborhood pool). It's not fair. I didn't drink. I am not the alcoholic but sadly we all have to pay.