Changes

This week has been full of changes. I started working again this past Monday. I am working as a contract employee at Wells Fargo in their mortgage department. I have mixed emotions about the entire working thing. I really thought that I'd be spending my time at home with the kids and that they wouldn't have to go to daycare again but things changed and here I am a working woman again.

The first two days at work I did not have a computer. Well, I had one but my passwords, etc. had not come in yet. It was hard finding things to do but I learned about their system and slowly but surely found things to do. This morning my passwords were in and it was great! I stayed busy all day long and the day flew by. I'm pretty much helping the processors get all of the items that they are missing and sent it back to underwriting for the final approval. I have to be honest that I'm a little too well versed in the mortgage industry for this job but I'm just hoping that it will lead to more responsiblities.

Jackson and Avery started daycare on Monday at La Petite in Inverness. It broke my heart to have to take them but I believe that they are in good hands. Jackson took a liking to his teacher, Miss Lindsey, and she has been a godsend for him (and me too!). He's enjoyed the past three days and hopefully he will continue to do well. Avery has yet to complain but it may be a while before she starts voicing her complaints.

Mackenzie started the summer camp at the YMCA on Tuesday. She has really enjoyed it so far. Each week they go to Camp Hargis, the movies, a field trip, and the park on alternating days. Camp Hargis is the same YMCA camp my mom attended when she was a girl. Mackenzie missed it on Monday but is looking forward to canoeing there and all of the other fun things. On Tuesday she went to the Golden Flake plant to see how they make potato chips. She said it was a lot of fun and they had to wear hair nets. Today they went to the movies and saw Kung Fu Panda. She's made a new friend there and they seem to get along very well.

Mackenzie got some exciting news this week. Our really good friends from Florida, Maria and her two girls Stella and Emily, have a birthday party this Sunday. The girls were dying for her to come and Maria said she'd meet us halfway and get Mackenzie. Well it has been decided that Mackenzie will stay there from this Saturday until next Saturday. She is thrilled beyond words. I told Maria she is a brave girl for taking Mackenzie on for a whole week but she seemed excited. Mackenzie did always seem to keep the peace between the two sisters and make them clean up after themselves. I'm just wondering why she never did it at our house.

This week I've learned to hate traffic. It takes me 35 minutes to get to Jackson and Avery's daycare. On the weekend or during the day it takes about 8 minutes. I've been at the YMCA around 5:55 each day. It's cutting it close, very close. I'm utterly exhausted and will be until I either strike it rich and don't have to work anymore or when the kids finish school. I'm thinking I'm going to stay exhausted for the next 18 years or so.

Oh I did get some good news. When I was at DHR on Friday dealing with my lovely case worker that I have courtesy of my wonderful husband who felt the need to turn my life upside down and the childrens I got some good news. She said she could expedite the daycare assistance for me and it'd take about 2 weeks to start. She said in the interim she would fax a letter to the daycares and they would go ahead and just charge me the difference and the assistance would be retroactive. I was so happy I started crying. I just couldn't believe I finally got a break somehow. So instead of the $351.70 per week for the two youngest I only pay $146.50 and I pay $12 a week for Mackenzie. So that is one thing working in my favor. It still is painful to pay for daycare each week but I feel better knowing not all my money is going to daycare.

The kids, Jana and I went to visit Lee on Sunday during visitation. It was from 3-5 and it was certainly interesting. Jana and I enjoyed seeing all the different people there and trying to figure out what they are in for. I had a hard time in the beginning. I really wanted to just bolt for the door because I hated sitting there and listening to him. I'm so glad that Lee has found meaning and help throughout all of this and in rehab but it's hard on me to listen to it all. The kids and I are the ones that endured all of the heartache, pain, verbal, mental and pyhsical abuse. Jana did do a good job of talking to him and so I didn't seem like a total witch.

He was still out of it somewhat and still couldn't hear a thing any of us said and we would tell him something and he would forget it and a moment later I'd say it again and he was clueless that anything was said earlier. It was very frustrating. I also don't think I can handle hearing one more time that he was told by a counselor there that "it's not your fault, it's a disease". I agree I guess to a very small small degree but I guess I'm not compassionate because I look at it as he should have never taken the first drink. That by taking the first drink it opened up the doors for becoming an alcoholic. I can't handle any of this because while he's got this high from rehab (no pun intended) I'm the one dealing the repercussions of his actions.

He has no intention of calling his work to explain anything to them at all. I doubt he'd keep his job but he could at least call and check in. He told me he wants me to deal with them. I can't clean up his messes any more. His sister told him that he could come live with her after rehab but she only said that so he would check himself in. I had to break it to him that when he gets out he can't go stay with her. He had it in his mind that is where he would be going. He's been very upset by her lying to him, which I can see both sides. I mentioned him going to his Aunt's house and he won't hear anything of it. He's talked the past 2 days of a half way house. Who knows what he will do but I do know that he doesn't have the family support that I think one needs to pull through this. Both of his parents have passed and I am pretty certain that Macie is just emotionally drained by him that she doesn't have it in her to deal with all of this.

So that pretty much leaves me to clean up his messes and be his rock. I just can't do it. I'm getting up every day at 5:45 and not getting home until after 6. Dinner isn't ready until almost 7 if we're lucky. I'm to the point past exhausted and it is taking everything in me to type this post. I just don't have the energy either. So I don't know where he will end up. I'm torn up inside about this but I can't worry myself to death about it. I've offered to call his aunt and see if he could spend some time there but he told me not to. I wonder if part of the reason is because he's ashamed of what he told her about me. In his drunkeness he would email people these incoherent and crazy emails full of lies. One of them in particular was to his aunt and in it he told her that I was mentally unstable and that I had been abusing him for a long time now and it was time for him to get out. Ha ha ha. Yeah, okay. He was the one who caused Avery to be injured and be life flighted to Pensacola. He's the one who has caused DHR to entered into MY life and me have to prove to them that I'm not going to hurt them too. He hasn't had to deal with them at all.

Whew. I'm pissed. I'm mad at him and feel so much contempt for him. He has made it where every time Mackenzie sees him her stomach starts hurting. Every single time. Jackson likes to tell people about "when my dad was in jail...". Avery thank goodness won't ever remember that horrible night but will still suffer. My children are going to grow up without a strong leader and father in their lives yet they are better off than him being in their lives. He has failed all of us. Nothing he can say will ever take away the pain he has caused us. I don't care if it is alcohol, prescription drugs, street drugs, etc. there is no excuse for his actions.

So there it is folks. My story. It's a sad and painful one. One day the kids and I will come out on top but it's going to be a long and slow road ahead of us.