What a Week!

My week was never suppose to turn out to be crazy but alas how things change so quickly. Wednesday was my wonderful surgery to have my gall bladder removed. My sister dropped me off at the hospital around 7:40 and then the fun began. I have had my fair share of surgerys and anethesia over the years for minor procedures. I've always been told not to wear my contacts but I've always told them I'd really rather not take them out, etc. and they've always said okay. Not this place. I had to take my contacts out and it was awful. I didn't have my glasses with me and I couldn't see a thing. Thankfully though I took them out 5 minutes before they knocked me out.

The wonderful sleepy Dr.s came in my room and told me that they were going to give me something to make me relax. Ummm... it did more than make me relax. I didn't come to until an hour after the surgery was over. I thought I'd be knocked out after I was in the operating room but I guess they do it differently at this hospital. I don't remember much except making sure that they had called my mom to pick me up. Oh and the first thing I did after putting my clothes back on was going to the bathroom to put in my contacts. Ahhhh to see again.

Mom was great and was downstairs in the car. She took me to get my pain meds filled (praise the Lord for whoever invented pain meds) and got me some ginger ale. She was a life saver. I got home and fiddled around and then went upstairs to bed. I still can't lie on my stomach or even my side. I had to lie directly on my back. If I moved to the side it felt as if everything was sliding over to the side inside my stomach. Thankfully that feeling has subsided. It did make feeding Avery the first few time difficult.

Yesterday when I woke up I felt so much worse than I did the day before. I guess it takes a little time for your body to full realize what you have done to it. It is much better today thank goodness. My back is very sore and I think it's because I have been sitting a certain way or holding my stomach in a certain position due to the pain and it's in turn effected my back. Other than that everything is A Okay!

The very fun part about the surgery was my souvenier. They gave me the largest gall stone they removed for me to keep. How fun! I had forgotten to ask the Dr. to save me one so I'm glad they did it for me. Dad was totally grossed out by it. I have to say it does look gross. It is also very large I was told. I can't imagine that getting stuck in my bile duct or anywhere else for that matter. It looks like a mini meatball. It has a bit of a grease residue because it is made up of cholesterol and things like that. Yes, I've totally ruined your appetite haven't I?


Tomorrow I am heading down to Florida to pick up my relocation check. I have received money from the state to help me with my moving expenses. I was informed today that Lee is having to pay it back as restitution to the state. I don't know how I feel about that. I think he'd have to pay the $1500 as a file or restitution no matter if I took the money for myself or not and it would go into the Attorney General's vicitim's fund. So either way he'd be paying it so I have to tell myself not to feel guilty for taking it. It's benefiting me and the kids and helping us get a place of our own.

I am very conflicted about this entire process. I am so confused about what I really want and what I don't want. It's hard for me to make any decisions right now. So much of my life I am not in control of right now and to be honest I'm okay with it. I just hope that when this long process is said and done that no one will ever be hurt again, emotionally, mentally or physically. There is a part of me that says it will never happen again but I said the same thing for so many years and it did. When the process is done and I'm told that I have to allow so much time with the kids and him how will I ever feel comfortable enough with it? How will I be able to wait the time out without thinking that something could happen if he snaps again. Those are my fears. They are very real.

I've been told that he's a different person. He's getting help and he sees the way now. How is this time different? How and why should I believe him this time? He said all of the same things to me after I left him while I was pregnant with Avery. He promised he had stopped drinking and therapy was doing good for him. Then a few months later he tells my mom that they therapist was an idiot and come to find out he was still drinking a lot. He then snapped and came within inches of taking my baby from this world. How can I ever believe that it's different this time? Can I really trust another therapist, pyschiatrist or DHR social worker to tell me it's all okay now? I don't think I can. No matter how badly I want to have faith in him it's too hard because I am having to trust my childrens lives on it. It's not worth the gamble.

So I'm conflicted. I have so much pain and confusion from all of this. I truly want him to be happy, healthy and a good father. I want him to feel the same happiness I feel. I want him to be able to look outside and see the beauty in things and not all of the negative things out there. I want him to know what true happiness is. Or maybe it's too late and he'll never know those things. I don't know. What sucks about all of this though is I am having to rely on other people to tell me when everything will be okay when at the end of the day I don't think they really know for sure that it will be.