Adjusting

I have not posted in a while because I have spent the last month adjusting. The kids and I are still living with my parents. Mackenzie started school and enjoys it. I don't love it as much as Butler but it's only because I don't have the same relationships with those who work there as I did with those at Butler.

I landed a job working with a realtor here in Birmingham. Her office is very close to my parents house and in B'ham that's a very good thing. I start on April 16th. Most of the work I will be able to do from home. I figure I will spend maybe 10 hours a week in the office once I get things up and running. I am very excited about the opportunity that I have been given.

I researched and found a great Mother's Day Out and Pre-K program for Avery and Jackson. It is 4 days a week and begins August 31st. I have to say it's inexpensive at only $338 a month. It will allow me to work and go into the office. They will attend there for 6 weeks this summer starting on June 1st. Until then mom will help me with the kids. The church is within 3 miles of the office and maybe 6 miles from my parents. I am actively looking for a rental home in this area.

I went to my very first major consignment sale this past week. Oh my gosh. It was amazing. It's called Kids Market and Mom. A friend of mine from Montgomery who now lives in Pelham told me about it last year. This thing is HUGE. They rent an old grocery store building and every inch of that place is packed with items. The shelves are gone from the store but the freezers are still there. Even the stand up freezers had items in them. It was so well organized.

Avery racked up at the sale. She has been very active. She hates sitting idle and is ready to go at all time. She loves music too. I got her this keyboard that you tie to her baby bed for $6 when it sales for $27 at Toys R Us. She LOVES it. I can put her in her crib and she just kicks it to pieces. I also got her a play mat that has an arch with a puppy dog and two other hang down thingies. She loves to pull on them and make the music play. She gets all big eyed and just starts kicking with excitment. I got a few other things for her that she loves. She finally has things to play with now.

It has been an interestings adventure living at home again. Especially with Elizabeth living here now. I've really enjoyed spending time with my mom and having our American Idol tv nights. We've had our mother daughter struggles but it's overall been great. When I've felt really depressed she's done or said little things to make things better. I am not going to sit here and say that everything has been peachy. It hasn't. My life is in utter shambles. I'm surviving on what money Lee gives me right now. My marriage has been put on hold and it is very possible that it's fate has already been sealed.

My birthday was this past Saturday and I didn't even want to celebrate it. Besides turning 29 and feeling like I'm ancient it just didn't feel like there is anything to celebrate. I feel like a complete failure. I know that I am not the one who caused all of this to happen (and there is so much more than what I've even mentioned on here, I mean SO much more). I just look at my life and looking back I feel as if I should have made better decision. I wish I had done things differently. Although if I did I wouldn't have the 3 most precious things in my life. My kids.

I am lonely. All I see are my parents. My dad is gone Tuesday through Thursdays and Elizabeth doesn't get home until after 9 most nights. I wish I had more adult interaction. It is hard with the kids too. We are not in our own home with our own routine. We need some stability. I don't have a car any more so I'm dependent on my parents cars. My life has literally fallen apart at the seams. I feel as if I'm drowning and I can't get to the top to catch my breath.

I know where I need to turn to. God. I know that it is God who can help me through this. It's so hard. I went to church for the first time since moving here. The preacher was preaching straight to me. The sermon was on how to deal with anxiety. It was also something that Lee needed to hear. I am having such a hard time just giving it all to Him. I have prayed before during my marital struggles and other time and I feel since I haven't been faithful in the Lord and followed through that it's all just wasted breath. That I don't have a right to pray. That I have to show that I will follow through in my commitment to him before praying.

I know that it's all not true that he wants me to turn to him but it's so hard. It's hard because I know that once I do my marriage will not be saved. It probably shouldn't be any way. I do love Lee but I have said time and time again I want him to truly believe in God and put his faith in him. That I want him to be a spiritual leader. I wanted to be able to turn to Lee for that. The harsh reality is that he will never be a spiritual leader. And if he's not then that's not what we need.

So I'll go back to my own internal turmoil. I'll probably continue to be lonely too. I know quite a few people in B'ham but I haven't picked up the phone or sent them an email seeing if they wanted to get together. I dont' know why. One in particular, Mandy, I've thought about often. She lives in Pelham and is the one who told me about the consignment sale. She has a little boy who is not quite 1. I haven't seen her in years and years but she has emailed me before the move. I don't know why I don't just hit her up. I guess part of it is I don't want to have to explain my situation to people. I'm embarrassed and feel like a failure. So I guess I will continue to be lonely. That's okay though.