I feel as if having Avery home and added to our family feels a little odd. I am so glad that she's home and love her more than anything but it just feels so different than what it was like with Mackenzie and Jackson. I am sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that she was in the hospital for 17 days and couldn't come home with me. I started thinking about it last night and why I feel this way. It's not a negative feeling towards her or her coming home at all. I can't explain it. I feel cheated of the entire bonding experience in the hospital with her. I was so dopped up for 2 days I don't remember much of anything from her birth. It is also so different to give birth via c/s. My other kids I pushed into this world and immediately had them on my chest. Other than the second I saw her in the operating room I didn't see her for more than a day.

On top of that I don't want neglect the other kids. I guess I am just worried about balancing all 3 of them. I looked at Jackson Tuesday night and I realized for the first time how big he has gotten. He's grown up before my eyes. It made me kind of sad. He's been the ones that likes to cuddle and adores me and I have to admit I love it so much. He is my little munchkin and I feel as if I've blinked and he's gotten to be a big boy. I guess it hit me that he won't stay this age forever and it made me a little sad.

Mackenzie is already such a big girl. It's already hit me that she's not still little and so I'm past that part with her. I just don't want her feeling neglected because of Avery. I want her to know that she's still my little girl and that just because there is a new baby that doesn't mean that she gets the shaft. I think I've done a decent job of balancing it all so far but it just seems a little hard. I think it will get better when Avery isn't so tiny and doesn't require so much attention.

I am sure that my worries are for nothing. I think it's just the overwhelming feeling I have now that the realization that we have 3 kids has set in. I want to make sure that no one ever feels left out. At the same time I still feel I have more bonding to do with Avery. It seems as if I'm making up for lost time. It's not easy bonding with your baby when they've got feeding tubes in their noses and monitors hooked up to them. It's not easy when you sit holding her for a couple of hours and have to leave her behind.

Maybe this is just my hormones talking. Or perhaps even the infection I have from the abscess. Lee is still changing the dressing on it 2 times a day. I have 2 1/2 days left of my 2 antibiotics and I still have infection on the gauze. Maybe once I feel completely healed from the whole experience I'll feel a lot better. Just right now I still feel so cut up (as I should because I still have an open hole in my stomach about 3 inches wide) and just yucky. Here's to hoping I feel better soon and can keep my hormones in check.