Testing My Faith and Our Baby

I have posted lately about how I think God has a hand in things in our life right now. I have said this many times to my parents and a few others. Honestly I don't have a great relationship with Him. I've prayed many times over the past week or so telling God that whatever His will is then so be it. I have prayed to Him and just talked to Him telling Him that I think that moving would be something that helps our family spiritually and will hopefully bring us closer to him. There are so many Godly influences and people in B'ham that will help us stay on path. Accountability.

I think God might be testing my faith in Him and His will. Yesterday I had a Dr.s appointment. Mackenzie had been sick throwing up through the night so she was staying at home. I left her and Jackson (Lee was sleeping in the den) around 7:30 to run a few errands and go see Dr. Petrac. I go to my appt. and my BP is up. I think it was 160/100. Not the end of the world, but not good either. The particular nurse who saw me drives me crazy. She won't tell me my BP after she reads it. She says she doesn't want to worry me and have it go higher. I tell her I'm use to this. We go through this whenever she sees me. I told her I was under a lot of stress lately and perhaps that is what's causing it to go a little high.

Dr. Petrac comes in and is a little worried about my BP. She said that the baby's heart beat is good and strong. Perhaps a little too strong I'm thinking now. I told her that I had had some headaches but I had taken my BP each time and it was low for me and not what I considered a BP induced headache. I did tell her that my ankles had become swollen on a few occasions after standing for 30mins to an hour. One day I remember in particular I was folding laundry and it happened.

She brought the table up and had me sitting up. She wanted to re-check my BP in a few mins after resting. I guess the other nurse mentioned to Pam, the nurse I love, that my BP was high and she came in to check it. It was still high. I told her about the stress I had felt lately and how I knew God was apart of this all but I couldn't help but be a little stressed.

My Perinatologist (the specialist) happened to be seeing patients in her office that day (yesterday, Tuesday) and she wanted me to go get my blood drawn for some tests and the come back up and wait to see the Perinatologist, Dr. Thorpe. She just wanted them to do another scan of the baby, evaluate my BP, etc. So I go and wait an hour to get my blood drawn and I'm finally back in her office around 11:15.

I put my name on the list and start waiting. Thankfully I had my Sudoku book with me. Lee called me around 11:40 and told me he had gotten off the phone with one of the country club managers in B'ham. Not the amazing guy we've been working with but another guy. This guy made Lee feel discouraged about working for him, etc. and he was a little down and disappointed. Later on Lee talked to the two men he's been talking to and he feels much much better and things are still going okay and are in God's hands.

Then Lee calls me a little bit later and said that he had to go into work early because some big wigs were coming to the restaurant and Ed, his General Manager, was freaking out and wanted Lee to come in early. Well Lee had the kids and I told him I was still waiting but I would hurry. I even told him that he could bring the kids up to me and he could go on to work. He was all stressed and put me in a bad position. Nothing I suggested made him happy and there was nothing snapping him out of being stressed. Between work and the talk with that guy in B'ham he wasn't in a good place.

It was around 12:30 when they finally brought me back. The nurse took my BP again and it was 167/109 and she decided to check the other arm and it was 170/109. I truly believe that Lee stressing me out made it go up. So they take me into the room and the u/s tech starts looking at the baby. She double checked and it's still a girl. Then the Dr. came in and had another Dr. with him, I think one that is doing his residency in Perinatology.

The Dr. and u/s tech start talking and then he tells me that Avery (our little girls name) has Ventricular Septal Defect. It's just a fancy term meaning she has a hole in her heart. He and the u/s tech spent a lot of time going over the the entire heart, etc. He showed me where the blood is pouring out between the chambers of the heart. The screen had red and blue spots which represent the blood going up and going down. He was right it was pouring through. He tells me not to worry that this is not uncommon (like 1-2% of al babies).

They scan the baby some more and find something else. The umbiblical cord should have 2 arteries and 1 vein. Well Avery only has 1 artery and 1 vein. I am then told that when a baby has this condition with the cord that it is typically an indication that there is something else wrong with the baby. Well that would explain the hole in her heart. Again, Dr. Thorpe tells me not to worry right now. Umm... well it's a little hard not to worry.

He mentioned that I can have an amnio done and it will tells with 99.99% certainty if there are any chromosomal defects. I quickly told him no that I didn't want to have it done. He said no problem. He did want me to talk to the genetic counselor about what I'm facing, etc. He also wanted the nurse to go over Pre-e with me. This is the 3rd pregnancy I've had it so I'm pretty well schooled in what to expect, etc. but I induldged him. I couldn't refuse him.

So I talk with the genetic counselor. She hands me information on both the umbiblical cord defect and the congenital heart condition. We talk about the amnio and I told her I wasn't sure I wanted it done. When she told me that they don't go through the belly button for some reason it made me feel much better. She said that women compare it to bad period cramps. You see when you have the cord issues it typically means there is something else wrong and then the heart defect is what they found that was wrong and when you find the heart defect along with the cord there is a good chance that there is a chromosomal abnormality. Whew.

So I finally decided to have the amnio done. I am going to call them today or tomorrow to set it up. Once she said that appx. 1 out of 10 of her patients that have both of these conditions have a baby with Down Syndrome I felt the need to have it done. There are also chances of another defect. I am scared. I cannot lie. Okay, take the heart defect. It can possibly heal before she's born or worse case scenario she will have to have surgery to close the hole. She can make it through this.

Worst case scenario regarding a chromosomal abnormality is that she has a defect that causes her to not to make it after her birth. Chances of this is sooooo slim. However, if it does happen we will get through this. I followed some blogs last year of women who had babies with Trisomy 17 and their babies only lived a few weeks or days. It was amazing how strong they were. What's even more amazing is how close they became to God and how their faith was strengthened throughout all of the trials.

If she does have Downs then we'll make it through that too. I finally spoke to Jana last night for the first time in months. I was crying to her about all of this. She said that if there was anyone who she could see handling it that it was me. Truth be told it would be hard but I can see us making it just fine. At one point Mackenzie asked me why I was crying (it was when I finally broke down after all of this and I was in the bathroom) and I told her that it was because of Avery. She asked if there was more than the hole in the heart. I told her that there is a small chance that she could have Downs Syndrome or something else.

My beautiful daughter said to me "That's okay mama, I go to school with a girl who has it and she is the sweetest and pretties girl. And she's sooooo smart too. If Avery has it she will still be pretty as a pearl and I'll love her even more". Now what an amazing daughter I have. I am so lucky in so many ways.

Chances are everything will be fine. I do think that all of this is a test of my faith. It's not easy but I am trying. Please keep Avery in your prayers.