Have No Fear

I didn't drive off the Destin bridge today. I did have a major panic moment and thoughts over being overwhelmed yet again. I talked to Jana during this moment and I went down and made an appointment for this afternoon w/ a psychologist. I felt like I just really needed to be able to talk to someone. Unload everything off of my chest.

I dealt with stupid insurance companies all this morning. We had COBRA when Jackson was in the hospital for his surgery and BCBS is still denying claims. It's ridiculous. This is when I have a letter from them stating when our coverage ended. I printed out all the denied claims and then dealt w/ BCBS about refiling them. I swear doing that just was pushing me off. Then I called every different provider, all 8 of them, to let them know who I spoke w/ at the insurance company and the reference number and to tell them it'll take 4 weeks to process. I made notations on everything. I felt that I had to notate this so if anyone drops the ball I'll have my butt covered.

I really like Dr. Salinas. He was really really nice. I felt stupid just talking to him in the beginning about how overwhelmed I feel about handling the laundry, yardwork, kids, etc. But of course it gets deeper too. Just being able to talk about everything that is eating away at me. It is also nice to be able to get into the deeper parts of things. Like my sleep habits and the bipolar and what I went through when it I had my major breakdown way back when. The one thing I am glad to be is intune with my meds and knowing my body well enough. I'm also glad that I am not one of thsoe that just stops taking their meds and has continual swings back and forth. I don't have manic episodes anymore. I'm so thankful I have it all under control.

I know things will be better. I just felt hopeless. Helpless. I wish I could pick up the phone and have my mom come over for a few hours to watch the kids for me. Or better yet just come over and talk with me. I wish I had family support here. I think it's the one thing that hurts me the most about living down here. I dont have any family here. I miss them.

I was going to go up to B'ham this weekend but mom and dad have so much to do with their house. I just couldn't imagine all of us staying at Elizabeth's house.

So I'm going to try and destress this weekend. Don't know how that'll go because weekends are always the most stressful. Oh well.