I Stayed Up Late Last Night

I can't believe it. I actually went to bed late last night. I think I got in the bed around 11 or so. I was so exhausted driving home and in my funk still (yeah, it's not entirely gone). Jana called and I hadn't talked to her all weekend. She was driving home from court in PC and was going to stop by and I'd cook tacos for dinner. I got out and checked the mail and to my great surprise were our Christmas cards from Brad and Lee and Jackson's birthday cards. Jackson's birthday card was so adorable and I can't believe it had the number 2 on it. I just can't believe he's 2!!! Mackenzie was thrilled over her card too. She read every word to us. The stickers with the card thrilled her even more. Jackson loved looking at his cards and the stickers on the envelopes. The b'day card had glitter on it and he liked it.

I of course though got back in my funk when I walked in the house. I bathed the kids and then started cleaning up the kitchen. Unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, cleaned all the counters, straightened up the counters, cleaned the kitchen table... you get the idea. Jana came in and the kids were happy to see her. When she's there she can see how the kids can get to me sometimes. Mackenzie is just 90 to nothing in your face and Jackson can be up my butt. It doesn't make me love them any less but after being gone all day and coming home and trying to make dinner or straighten up it's overwhelming. God love her but Mackenzie can just be a lot to take in. Some nights she's calm but most nights she's all over the place and constantly going. Sometimes Lee doesn't realize how much it can be on me coming home from work and being tired and just pooped or frustrated sometimes. Even though I work a desk job it doesn't mean I'm any less tired than a manual labor worker.

I also think since I am the only one in the office every day that the quietness is helping to bring on my depression. Anyone who knows me knows that I have to have people around. Yes, I have been busier the past week but that doesn't make it any less boring. My mind is also not being challenged. I need a challenge. I need my mind to think. I'm actually a fairly smart and intellectual person (although it's hard to tell by my craziness) and I need to stimulate my mind. Sitting idle and going unchallenged doesn't help an ADD person like me.

I had to be on a conference call at 8 this morning for work. Lee opened this morning and took the kids to school for me. I didn't not like getting up extra early but it was nice to drive in the car by myself. Usually there is lots of laughter and commotion. I wouldn't change it though, I love taking the kids to school. The morning time together and laughing and talking about things is great. They are so sweet and happy in the mornings. It's the afternoons when Mackenzie can be sooooo tired that she's grumpy and hungry that aren't fun. You know when she first started school last year I so badly wanted to know how her day went and what she did at school. I kept getting the same response every day. "I don't know... I don't remember". I still get that sometimes. What is up with that? Is she already getting to the point where she doesn't want to tell me things? :-)

I remembered my pita bread today for lunch. I didn't have to eat just turkey like yesterday. I'm so certain everyone is wanting my daily food intake. I'll make sure I detail it in a daily log and post it for everyone. Since I'm so Nicole Ritchie thin right now I know everyone is concerned. Seriously though when I lost that little bit of weight a few months back it made me drop 2 cups sizes in my bra and I'm so happy. Lee kind of made a comment about it but he was just playing. Men can love breasts and all that stuff but being a women they aren't fun. Either you are flat chested and wish you were bigger or too big and wish you were smaller. Being a woman is hard work. It's also a no win situation.

I'm suppose to meet w/ the guy about the job somtime tomorrow. I don't know what time but I do know it's suppose to be in the afternoon. I just don't want anyone to ask me about it because I feel pressure about it. I'm thinking, "what if he doesn't call?" and other things like that. I can't help it. I try to be pessimistic because I don't want to be disappointed if something doesn't work out. But he said I had the job and he was offering it to me and wanted to show me on Wednesday afternoon the compsensation package. Do you think he was just being nice since I called? Surely not. Now I'm being paranoid.

I wonder what a stranger who stumbled upon this blog would think. Surely they would think I've lost my mind. That's okay because this is me take me or leave me but I'm curious. I'm also curious who reads this. I know my sister does and Jana when she remembers. I wonder who else? Is this a page in the wonderful land of the internet that is in oblivion? I know people have looked at this page over 6xx times since I started it but I don't know who, etc. But it'd be interesting to know. I love reading blogs. The real and raw ones. Such as this. Not holding back anything and just putting yourself out there.

Okay, I'm going to work on some things. Hopefully get through today a little better. Well, at least the afternoon.