Jumbled Thoughts

"IT"

It is really hard for me to explain how everything has been lately. I guess I am a little sad that I cannot share all of what I have gone through will him. He is dealing with so much now with his own mom's estate and working so much this week that I can't share EVERYTHING that has transpired. I want to oh so bad. I want him to know everything I've experienced this week. The emotions and the new relationships I have formed. I want him to be able to go through this with me. I love him. I want to share this with him. It may take time, but I hope I can finally share it all and he have the ability to listen and really see how important this is to all of us.

November will be a very hard month for him. November 22nd is his mom's birthday and Thanksgiving will be the first big holiday she has not been here for. I don't want him to hurt. I see his pain, I see it in his eyes, in his soul. He misses his "mama" more than anything in this world. I wish I could erase all of his pain, take it away and let me feel it. I have never experienced anything like this until now. It hurts. I can't imagine losing anyone in my family. I can't imagine the heart ache knowing you can't pick up the phone and they'll be there. Driving into their driveway... and no one answers the door.

I wish I could make it better. Maybe it'll just take time. Time, it's not easy to wait for.

"Different Strokes"

I'm making myself laugh by my little sub-titles. They're so stupid. I am still so shocked at how different my relationships are with Bobbi and Brad. I am not stupid, I expected them to be different, but I didn't expect the deeper thoughts, etc. to be with Brad. I guess for one reason he is a man, isn't that just so sexist? He was also barely 21 when I was born. I figured he would have been just some AF guy who was just so immature and even though I was a life, it wasn't ever really thought about or discussed. Wow, was I so suprised.

Brad reminds me a lot of my dad. I can talk politics (yes, I'm still not over someones Presidental vote in '04) and social issues with both of them. That is one thing I have always loved about my dad. I could talk to him about so many issues and politics. Dad is so well versed in so many areas. My favorite thing now is when I go to their house or when dad comes here and us just sitting on the couch talking politics, current events or just anything. I love that. I miss that. I wished we lived closer, but I won't budge and move back to Alabama.

I know where my memory for phone numbers comes from. Brad. It's so crazy! He could rattle off Maggie's and his phone number from Okinowa (sp?).

Totally different topic. I'm watching the weirdest video on VH1 right now. It's Nelly Furtado, Maneater. Yeah, I'm not digging that.

Mackenzie took Advil PM last night and it broke her fever. I went in there last night and she was sweaty and the fever had broken. She seems better this morning, but I'm not taking any chances. She's a little mad at me because I won't let her go to Colton's birthday party. I just want to make sure she gets better. Teeth. She's not going to have any if some don't start growing in or if she doesn't stop losing them.

Mackenzie has been answering the phone this week (she's a phone hog). She answered when Lee called, actually caller ID said The Back Porch, and she knew it immediately and answered the phone "hey daddy". So she answered the phone when Brad answered. I think she was amazed that he had the movie she has been wanting sooooo badly, "Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses". He has a little nieces who come over and watch the movies. I can't imagine having as many siblings as Amy and Maggie both have. And most of Amy's familiy lives near them and the kids come over to their house. I have a feeling I need to go out and buy her that movie today.

I spoke with Jed again last night. We too got into political and current events discussions. We even talked about the JFK conspiracy. We talked about a little bit of everything. He is such a strong young man. I know that I couldn't or just wouldn't be able to be as strong as him.

I'm out. I've gotta keep tabs on the diaper wipe swipper. If I'm not careful my entire stock will be gone. All 80-something tubs I have left. Yeah, if anyone ever wants to hear my bargain shopping experience with that it is so cool. Coupons. Brad does the coupon thing too. Oh... he is neat and organized. Yeah, that gene skipped me. Are Brad and mom related? Based on that they could be.

I'm out. Don't know where I am out to though. Oh, I will read the paper and look at the new CVS ad starting for tomorrow. I seriously get giddy when I get the ads a day early. Cukoo.... I know.