Confidence

"I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echos in every room
I would
That's what I'd do,
That's what I'd do to get through to you

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will"

A week ago this past Friday (Sept. 29) I was driving home from Mackenzie's soccer game. Lee had both of the kids with him since I had to stop back by my office and get all of the food I had bought for our block party the next day. I was enjoying listening to one of my favorite CD's I have burned. The entire way home I kept wondering why Bonnie, the intermediary, hadn't heard from Bobbi yet. We knew she would have gotten the letter Wednesday or Thursday at the very latest. At that moment I started preparing myself for the worst. What if no one ever wanted me to find them? What if I was this dirty little secret? The song above was on and even though it was written because of a girl, what I posted above is exactly how I had been feeling about my birth family.

Tears would slowly escape from my eyes one by one. Sadness crept over me. I was mumbling to myself that I just couldn't understand if no one wanted to know who I was. I started wondering what was wrong with me. But I knew deep down if no contact was ever made that it wasn't a reflection of who I am, but I couldn't help think those things. I had given myself pep talks and tried to prepare myself if the outcome was anything similar to my sister's. I tried to convince myself that I'd be okay if no one wanted contact. It was at that moment on that Friday night driving down the road by myself that I was honest with myself. I wouldn't be okay at first. I'd be extremely sad and disappointed, but one day would feel better about it all.

The next day was a whirlwind. I had organized our neighborhood block party and was getting ready for it all day. Between picking up the shrimp (and getting to watch them take their heads off) and cutting up 15lbs of chicken I didn't have a lot of time to think about any of the adoption stuff. I had even been so busy the day before I didn't even call Bonnie to see if my birth mother had contacted her. And this was very unusual for me.

The party was a great success. I slept like a baby that night. I got up early and fed the kids. Then I was off to clean the kitchen. That is when I received the phone call that would alter everything in my life from that moment on. It was Bonnie. Telling me she had spoken to the nicest birth mother. If you could have only heard me say "Is it mine? Is it? Bonnie... tell me, tell me". It was. She said she would be calling me in 5 minutes.

I was so excited I threw open my bedroom door and jumped on the bed with Lee to wake him up. I told him he had to get up and watch the kids because I got to finally talk with my birth mother. Bonnie was laughing and all smiles on the phone. I can't remember how I asked but she gave me her phone number and said if I didn't call her in 5 minutes she was calling me. I wrote it down. And then I remembered to ask the one question I had wondered the most all my life. "Bonnie, what's her name?" That's when I heard it, "It's Bobbi, B-O-B-B-I, isn't it just beautiful?" Yes it is.

Confidence, it has gotten me far in life. It has also gotten me where I now have these to amazing birth parents in my life. More on how it all came together with Brad.