Clarity

I have clarity now. It's not because I necessarily have my answers, I don't. I just realized that through this entire journey I have yet to truly be emotional about it all. I have held up better than most people would have in my situation. I haven't cried except when I read the sweetest email from Brad. That all came to an end last night. It was finally the time for me to just let the flood gates wide open. I didn't feel good last night, but I feel better today. I can't sit and wonder certain things or it will drive me nuts. Can I change it all? No. Do I want to? No. Could things have been differently? Yes. But that's okay. I'm here now and that's all that matters to me.

I do have to say that I cannot stand Catholic Charities, okay, I loathe them. I hate them. It's frustrating that they knew that Brad wasn't even in the area and he was shipped out and they knew that their paperwork would never get to him. They never game him a fair chance. Instead they ran an ad in the newspaper stating that if my birth father didn't come forward then his rights would be terminated. Did anyone tell anyone any of this? Not even my parents knew. Bobbi didn't know and Brad certainly didn't know. His rights were terminated on June 26, 1980. Again, let me say this again, I wouldn't change anything, but it's not right.

It's not right that Grandma Eileen was told by the social worker that she had to hand me over because my adoptive parents were on their way to the hospital to get me. They lied. They flat out lied. Why? Because if Bobbi and Eileen really knew that I was going to sit in foster care that they wouldn't have let me go? I don't know if that's the case but is that what drove them to lie? What drove them to lie when Bobbi tried to get me back from them? They told her it was too late and nothing could be done. I would think that ethically they would have to tell her she has 9 months. That's what they warned my parents about.

I just feel that Catholic Charities tried to play God with the entire situation. What makes me even more sick to my stomach is that I know I am not the only person out there that has the same story. I love them because they gave my mom and dad a baby, but I hate them just because they lied. Liars. Yes, Mary Smith was a liar. I know it's harsh but it's true. I know that Eileen wouldn't lie to me, I know. I believe her. So many inconsistancies even from them now.

So this is my last post about them. Never again will I mention my anger towards them. This is my release. It's gone now. But let me tell you one thing, if I ever run across Mary Smith don't expect me to keep my mouth shut. Don't worry, it'll never happen so no one needs to freak out. This is just my way to vent about my feelings. Breathe Rebekah. Okay. I'm much better.